The Bill of Rights (21st Century Version)

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion other than scientific atheism, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof excepting the use of prayer, public worship, or other activity that does not fall under the sacred canopy of inclusivity and/or tolerance; or abridging the freedom of speech as long as said speech does not include references to the above protected religions, is in line with politically correct conventional wisdom, does not refer in any manner to Amendment II below, and is stated clearly such that it can be secretly monitored and stored for future use as necessary; or freedom of that portion of the press that paints favored governmental powers in a positive light; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble as long as such assemblies are not in the proximity of ranking government officials, the Bilderberg Group, or the G8, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances with the full knowledge that such grievances will be promptly ignored to the fullest extent of the law unless the agenda of presiding governmental powers be preserved. Continue reading


Getting In on the Bully Market

You may have missed this juicy little tidbit due to the incessant news coverage on what the Tsarnaev brothers’ aunt’s cousin’s wife’s step-daughter’s librarian’s nephew has to say, but the legislature here in Minnesota has been quietly introducing a bill that has people here realizing just how silly the word ‘tidbit’ really is.   The bill is about banning bullying in school and while I am not a fan of bullies mainly because I don’t have any rotating blades, a cursory perusal proves that this bill is almost as silly as the word ‘tidbit,’ but not quite.

Back in my day bullying was a simple form of economic exchange: I would hand over my lunch money and in return, said individual would refrain from lifting my whities over my head. Continue reading

A Citizen and His Money Are Soon Parted

Ah, spring—the time of year known for its unbounded desire: desire for beauty, desire for romance, and desire for the IRS to insert their schedule B firmly into their line 43a.  Yep.  Tax time.  And unless you are clever enough to file for your automatic extension, you have just spent the last several weeks collecting receipts, scouring instructions, removing your hair in large clumps, and asking yourself age-old, soul-searching questions like, “If a tax man and a politician were both drowning and I could only save one, would I go get some coffee or check Facebook?”

Personally, I don’t mind this time of year so much because it reminds me that I am solidly entrenched in the middle class in that I am in the upper half of the population that actually pays taxes yet not so rich that I have to feel guilty about avoiding them entirely.  Yea for me. Continue reading

The Maven

As he pondered weak and worried, up the platform steps he hurried
To declare his candidacy where Abe Lincoln had done before.
While seeking to be president and setting racial precedent
The cool Chicago resident offered promises galore.
Fundamental change was offered amongst promises galore.
“I’ll give you this, and much more.

“I’ll lower premiums for health and force the rich to share their wealth,
And the bills I’m about to sign will be online five days before. Continue reading

Let the Hunger Games Begin…

Nothing is as cavernous and infinite as a teenage gullet — except perhaps the national debt or hell or Lindsay Lohan‘s rap sheet. That is why when my 100-pound high-school daughter, Thing 1, came home from school a couple of weeks ago complaining that she wasn’t getting enough food in her school lunch, I chalked it up to her daily penchant for consuming twice her body weight in Fritos.

But then I saw in the gnus that there has been nationwide backlash by students all across the country, thus defining ‘nationwide’. Continue reading