Happy Holidays Everyone! Except for Bloomington. You may be excused.

In an effort to purge any meaning whatsoever and thus create a more consistent utopian bubble void of any and all significance, the city of Bloomington, Indiana has decided this past week to rename a couple of their more ‘controversial’ holidays.  Columbus Day will henceforth be called ‘Fall Holiday’ and Good Friday will be known as ‘Spring Holiday’.  According to the mayor, the purpose of said moniker modification is to “demonstrate our commitment to inclusivity” (excepting of course, those who celebrate Columbus Day or Good Friday).

Columbus Day is controversial because it celebrates the ‘discovery’ of the Americas by Europeans and its resultant history of colonialism, oppression, genocide, fast food, and baseball.  Good Friday is controversial because it excludes others by commemorating the day Jesus was killed and, um…why is that exclusionary again?  I guess because other people groups weren’t killed equally.  I’m not sure.

My point is that even with this progressive move toward inoffensive purposelessness, Bloomington, you still have a long way to go.  And I am calling you out.

It starts right away on the first day of the year, with what you like to call ‘New Year’s Day’.  I mean, is this first day the only day that belongs to the New Year?  Aren’t all of the coming 364 days also part of the New Year?  Why is this first day singled out as the New Year’s only day?  Because you’re time-exclusive, that’s why.  Discriminators.  You hate all the other days that are not like your ‘oh-so-special’ first day.  You’re nothing but a bunch of rabid, right-wing díaphobes.  And what about the Chinese?  Why do the Chinese have to have a separate new year?  Is it because you purposefully reject them from participating in your own new year?  C’mon Bloomington; really?  Inclusive, my Hoosier.

How about you be a little open-minded and look at some of the other exclusionary holidays you celebrate?  President’s Day, for example.  Do you even know how many presidents there have been, Bloomington?  44!  You give your employees a day off to celebrate 44 people?  How inclusive is that?  What about the rest of us?  Or Memorial day…or Veterans day.  Not everyone is a veteran, you know.  Freaking civiliaphobes.

I propose you aggressively get away from your Alt-festivality and change the name of all your exclusionary holidays and festivals such that we can all celebrate them.  Take Ramadan for instance.  I do not celebrate Ramadan.  Why?  Because it’s exclusively Muslim.  BUT… if you were to change it to something like Rama Lama Ding Dong, that is something in which I feel I would be able to participate.  I mean, who doesn’t like The Edsels?

Or what about Jewish Holidays, like Yom Kippur?  This may come as a surprise to you, but there are a lot of people out there who aren’t Jewish.  How about you call it Yom Kippur The Dog, after the British cartoon?  Children would love it!  The holiday with the slipper: Yom Kippur, The Dog.  On second thought…he calls his friend ‘Pig’, which could be seen as offensive to law enforcement.  Don’t blame me; just spit-ballin’ here.

But what about the word ‘holiday’ itself, Bloomington, your chosen ‘inclusive’ spring/fall rendition?  Is that any better?  ‘Holiday’ comes from ‘holy day’ which stems from religious observances, which by your own logic is exclusionary and means you hate everyone who doesn’t observe them!  Why do you hate, Bloomington?!  Why are you forcing religion down our throats with these Spring and Fall “Holy Days”?!  You people go so far as to name every day of the week for some sort of god.  It’s like you can’t even make a dentist appointment without having to involuntarily acknowledge some sort of deity.  Is that what you call ‘inclusive’?

And why are you stopping at renaming days?  What about the 30+ worldwide geographical locations named after Columbus?  And shouldn’t you also rename other things named for other Eurocentric colonial explorers?  What about The Cook Islands, or America, or the Hudson River, or the DeSoto, or Cartier watches, or Rocky Balboa, or Lois and Clark, or the Minnesota Vikings?  Aren’t all these names equally hateful and exclusive?  Change ‘em up, Bloomington!  Show us you mean it!

And what about the name of your town, itself: “Bloomington”?

As in, “She weighs as much as a…”

Is that sensitive?  Is that inclusive?  Every time I see a sign with ‘Bloomington’ on it I am reminded of my ever-burgeoning mid-section and my self-worth descends another floor on the esteem escalator.  How about you show some compassion?  How about you change your intolerant, chunkiphobic name to something that doesn’t sermonize your distorted ‘ideal’ body image?

How about something like Bloomingonion?  Who couldn’t rally around someplace that represents a slice of deep-fried heaven?  Think of the job creation in the aioli industry alone!  Or how about Bloomingdales?  Or Bloomingflower?

Or how about Bloomingidiots?

Any other suggestions out there?

One thought on “Happy Holidays Everyone! Except for Bloomington. You may be excused.

  1. My dictionary has a definition of “bloomer” as a foolish or stupid mistake, so “Bloomerton” might work. It would also hark back to when undergarments kept women as uptight as the city council is now. or there’s always Bleepington, which is how I’ll think about them from now on.

    Liked by 1 person

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