The Bill of Rights (21st Century Version)

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion other than scientific atheism, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof excepting the use of prayer, public worship, or other activity that does not fall under the sacred canopy of inclusivity and/or tolerance; or abridging the freedom of speech as long as said speech does not include references to the above protected religions, is in line with politically correct conventional wisdom, does not refer in any manner to Amendment II below, and is stated clearly such that it can be secretly monitored and stored for future use as necessary; or freedom of that portion of the press that paints favored governmental powers in a positive light; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble as long as such assemblies are not in the proximity of ranking government officials, the Bilderberg Group, or the G8, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances with the full knowledge that such grievances will be promptly ignored to the fullest extent of the law unless the agenda of presiding governmental powers be preserved. Continue reading

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Getting In on the Bully Market

You may have missed this juicy little tidbit due to the incessant news coverage on what the Tsarnaev brothers’ aunt’s cousin’s wife’s step-daughter’s librarian’s nephew has to say, but the legislature here in Minnesota has been quietly introducing a bill that has people here realizing just how silly the word ‘tidbit’ really is.   The bill is about banning bullying in school and while I am not a fan of bullies mainly because I don’t have any rotating blades, a cursory perusal proves that this bill is almost as silly as the word ‘tidbit,’ but not quite.

Back in my day bullying was a simple form of economic exchange: I would hand over my lunch money and in return, said individual would refrain from lifting my whities over my head. Continue reading

Suspended Over a Pop-Tart? One Cannoli Hope

What with my big family vacation and then coming home to take down all my Cesar Chavez Easter decorations—not to mention getting geared up for National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Month this month—I totally missed the story out of Maryland a while back in which a 7-year old boy was suspended from school after eating his Pop-Tart into a shape kind of maybe resembling a sort of handgun and then, in a fit of imagination imitating media inundation, going “bang bang.”

Supposedly, the second-grader’s intent was to shape the pastry into a mountain; kind of a three-dimensional monochrome post-impressionist landscape piece.  But a slight, rather amateurish design miscalculation resulted in the boy mistakenly creating a fearsome profile resembling a treacherous terroristic armament capable of dropping sprinkles all over the cafeteria floor at up to 9.8 meters per second per second. Continue reading