The Bill of Rights (21st Century Version)

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion other than scientific atheism, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof excepting the use of prayer, public worship, or other activity that does not fall under the sacred canopy of inclusivity and/or tolerance; or abridging the freedom of speech as long as said speech does not include references to the above protected religions, is in line with politically correct conventional wisdom, does not refer in any manner to Amendment II below, and is stated clearly such that it can be secretly monitored and stored for future use as necessary; or freedom of that portion of the press that paints favored governmental powers in a positive light; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble as long as such assemblies are not in the proximity of ranking government officials, the Bilderberg Group, or the G8, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances with the full knowledge that such grievances will be promptly ignored to the fullest extent of the law unless the agenda of presiding governmental powers be preserved. Continue reading

A Citizen and His Money Are Soon Parted

Ah, spring—the time of year known for its unbounded desire: desire for beauty, desire for romance, and desire for the IRS to insert their schedule B firmly into their line 43a.  Yep.  Tax time.  And unless you are clever enough to file for your automatic extension, you have just spent the last several weeks collecting receipts, scouring instructions, removing your hair in large clumps, and asking yourself age-old, soul-searching questions like, “If a tax man and a politician were both drowning and I could only save one, would I go get some coffee or check Facebook?”

Personally, I don’t mind this time of year so much because it reminds me that I am solidly entrenched in the middle class in that I am in the upper half of the population that actually pays taxes yet not so rich that I have to feel guilty about avoiding them entirely.  Yea for me. Continue reading

Let the Hunger Games Begin…

Nothing is as cavernous and infinite as a teenage gullet — except perhaps the national debt or hell or Lindsay Lohan‘s rap sheet. That is why when my 100-pound high-school daughter, Thing 1, came home from school a couple of weeks ago complaining that she wasn’t getting enough food in her school lunch, I chalked it up to her daily penchant for consuming twice her body weight in Fritos.

But then I saw in the gnus that there has been nationwide backlash by students all across the country, thus defining ‘nationwide’. Continue reading

Let Them Eat (Urinal) Cake

Here we are coming off the big 4th of July weekend, even though the 4th was on a Wednesday and about as far from a weekend as it can get. For you home-schoolers, the 4th of July is known as Independence Day and is two days after the day in 1776 whereon we declared our independence from exorbitant taxation and government intrusion by the British, asserting instead that we could in fact do these thing just fine by ourselves, thankyouverymuch.

It all started when King Curious George, Roman Numeral III imposed the Stamp Act Continue reading

Explaining Lawn Care Reform

Like most people these days, I grew up as a small child. I remember when things used to cost a nickel, like bubble gum or an eye-dropper of gasoline. If you were to ask my grandparents, they could go out to dinner with a nickel and have enough left over to buy a Model T. But not anymore. About all you can get for a nickel today is another nickel. Inflation over the years has inflated a number of things including prices, costs, and a surprising amount of giant ugly Christmas lawn ornaments.

Foremost on everybody’s mind, however, is the soaring cost of lawn care. Continue reading