The Bill of Rights (21st Century Version)

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion other than scientific atheism, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof excepting the use of prayer, public worship, or other activity that does not fall under the sacred canopy of inclusivity and/or tolerance; or abridging the freedom of speech as long as said speech does not include references to the above protected religions, is in line with politically correct conventional wisdom, does not refer in any manner to Amendment II below, and is stated clearly such that it can be secretly monitored and stored for future use as necessary; or freedom of that portion of the press that paints favored governmental powers in a positive light; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble as long as such assemblies are not in the proximity of ranking government officials, the Bilderberg Group, or the G8, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances with the full knowledge that such grievances will be promptly ignored to the fullest extent of the law unless the agenda of presiding governmental powers be preserved.

Amendment II

A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed as long as said Arms do not exceed a certain arbitrary firing rate, caliber, and/or magazine size established by the ruling authorities of the free State, are not used in response to the potential oppressiveness of the free State, nor carried in public, nor discussed as topics of conversation particularly by school children (See Amendment I above).

Amendment III

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by an unread and hastily passed law set up under the guise of benefitting or securing the Owner, in which case the State can do whatever the hell it wants.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated excepting when it is deemed capriciously necessary by the State, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause or failure to cooperate with certain government agencies seeking to violate said unreasonable searches or seizures above, supported by Oath or affirmation or secretive late-night deal with some judge or FBI agent or Justice Department official, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized unless something else of interest is happened upon that can be used to further one’s political career and/or agenda.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger, or in cases where the accused holds a high public office, is entrenched in an impenetrable bureaucracy, or possesses an extraordinary amount of money; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb except by Alex Trebek unless it is Roger Clemens; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law without some form of the word ‘terrorist’ contained in the charges; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation unless the property is first determined to be a ‘wetland’ or necessary for the survival of a previously unheard of species.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions except those wherein the accused is classified as a ‘terrorist’ against the State in which case life-taking drones will be hastily deployed in lieu of due process, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy (haha! just kidding) and public trial, the minutiae of which is to be broadcast and over-analyzed by 24-hour news channels in lieu of real news stories, by an impartial and preferably entirely uneducated jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed unless it is determined that it shouldn’t, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence, unless it is determined by the free State that it is instead in its interest to hold said individual indefinitely without charge according to the National Defense Authorization Act of 2011.

Amendment VII

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, of which the lawyer shall obtain approximately half, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law, unless the team of attorneys determines that it be in their personal financial interest to do so.

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted unless one is categorized as a ‘terrorist’ by the State or might hold certain information the State could potentially find useful.

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by Progressive Democrats and illegal immigrants.  The rights of conservatives and their organizations may be disparaged as they at times challenge unenumerated powers.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people unless, of course, the United States sees it fit to ignore this clause and seeks to provide federal bailouts, healthcare, daycare, housing, contraception, jobs, cell phones, quotas, nutrition standards, television networks, food stamps, grants, subsidies, a Department of Education, robotic squirrels, et cetera et cetera ad nauseam, or laws and regulations that might aid in maintaining a certain power base or reduce tobacco consumption.

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8 thoughts on “The Bill of Rights (21st Century Version)

  1. If the founding fathers knew what was going to be claimed under the constitution centuries later, it would have been written a lot differently.

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  2. I found you today, and I appreciate everything about your writing. The sarcasm, humor, sense, and just general awesome have blown me away! Have a great day, and keep on writing for the rest of us who are not nearly as entertaining as we express ourselves.

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  3. After reading a few posts, I can tell that I am already addicted to your blog! This post was quite clever (but sad too because I think you hit the nail on the head). I really am enjoying reading, and find your writing style refreshing and humorous!

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