It’s no secret that I have some pet peeves around Christmastime, not the least of which is that you lose about ten percent of any given serving of egg nog because so much of it sticks to the sides of the glass. Not quite as annoying but irksome nonetheless is the changing of lyrics to a Christmas song in order for the good folks on Madison Avenue to entice your average ignorant consumer into spending hard-earned cash on unneeded and often unwanted products—especially if that song is “Carol of the Bells”.
Since hate is such a strong word that is overused ad nausea and almost exclusively in a political context, let’s just say I harbour an abhorrent detestation for “Carol of the Bells”—even with its original words in tact as it thoroughly and rather creepily resembles the playground taunts of my troubled childhood. And changing the words to advertise the wares of a personal injury lawyer is less than helpful:
My fender’s bent
I’ve not a cent
Can’t make my rent… Continue reading →
Posted in The Petri Dish
- Tagged Carol of the Bells, Christmas, Christmas carols, culture, egg nog, holidays, humor, millennials, parody, pet peeves, Spanish Inquisition, The Twelve Days of Christmas, The View
In an effort to purge any meaning whatsoever and thus create a more consistent utopian bubble void of any and all significance, the city of Bloomington, Indiana has decided this past week to rename a couple of their more ‘controversial’ holidays. Columbus Day will henceforth be called ‘Fall Holiday’ and Good Friday will be known as ‘Spring Holiday’. According to the mayor, the purpose of said moniker modification is to “demonstrate our commitment to inclusivity” (excepting of course, those who celebrate Columbus Day or Good Friday).
Columbus Day is controversial because it celebrates the ‘discovery’ of the Americas by Europeans and its resultant history of colonialism, oppression, genocide, fast food, and baseball. Good Friday is controversial because it excludes others by commemorating the day Jesus was killed and, um…why is that exclusionary again? I guess because other people groups weren’t killed equally. I’m not sure.
My point is Continue reading →
Posted in The Petri Dish, Water Buffalo Intestines
- Tagged Bloomingidiots, Bloomington IN, Columbus Day, culture, discrimination, fast food, Good Friday, holidays, humor, inclusiveness, life, meaninglessness, opinion, political correctness, politics, Rama Lama Ding Dong, Ramadan, religion, sarcasm, Yom Kippur
Days after Donald Trump was named president-elect, Americans are spreading a message of unity with a simple symbol: a baby pacifier, otherwise known as a ‘binky’. The object may seem confusing to many in the U.S., but to those who lived in the United Kingdom during and after the Brexit vote of this summer, it’s a sight that is becoming increasingly familiar.
In June, millions voted for the U.K. to leave the European Union, and to the surprise of the media and others who decried such a repudiation of bureaucracy and globalism as the worse possible outcome, they won with 52 percent of the vote. But while some celebrated, others were left shocked and afraid the break would actually interrupt their agenda.
And they had a reason to be concerned. Continue reading →
Posted in Water Buffalo Intestines
- Tagged #binkyclip, binkys, Brexit, commentary, culture, Donald Trump, election, globalization, humor, hysteria, Martha Raddatz, movement, news, opinion, protests, satire, Twitter
Since the big and somewhat embarrassing presidential debates over these past couple of weeks, I’ve been inundated with an email asking my impressions on this country’s current entertaining and yet entirely nauseating presidential race. It went something like this direct quote:
I’m torn. I don’t know who to vote for in this presidential election, and the debates aren’t helping. Your blog seems to have a lot of words. What do you say?
Well firstly, let me say thank you for seeking out such wise counsel in such a time as this. You obviously have no friends or family and nothing better to do and I am resultantly humbled. My answer to you is thus:
You have a very funny name. Are you related to Rip? Continue reading →
Posted in Party TIMe
- Tagged advice, commentary, culture, Donald Trump, election, Hillary Clinton, humor, national, news, opinion, political philosophy, politics, rhetoric, the number 6, voter guide
Dear Open Letter Writer,
While I appreciate the time and effort you put forth in stringing various words together into often complex sentences, and while I also appreciate you usually starting with a positive and complementary tone before going on some sort of impertinent rant, on behalf of literates everywhere I feel I must respectfully request that you refrain from future compositionary activity and stop writing open letters.
I fully understand that writing open letters is all the rage right now and fewer things have contributed to this tiresome trend greater than the marvel of the electronic interweb and its various addictive time-vacuuming social media outlets, but before you jump on the metaphorical exhibitionist bandwagon there are some things you should probably know. Continue reading →
Posted in The Petri Dish
- Tagged Colin Kaepernick, commentary, culture, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, humor, idiots, irony, life, open letter, opinion, politics, sarcasm, satire, social media, writing