Happy Holidays Everyone! Except for Bloomington. You may be excused.

In an effort to purge any meaning whatsoever and thus create a more consistent utopian bubble void of any and all significance, the city of Bloomington, Indiana has decided this past week to rename a couple of their more ‘controversial’ holidays.  Columbus Day will henceforth be called ‘Fall Holiday’ and Good Friday will be known as ‘Spring Holiday’.  According to the mayor, the purpose of said moniker modification is to “demonstrate our commitment to inclusivity” (excepting of course, those who celebrate Columbus Day or Good Friday).

Columbus Day is controversial because it celebrates the ‘discovery’ of the Americas by Europeans and its resultant history of colonialism, oppression, genocide, fast food, and baseball.  Good Friday is controversial because it excludes others by commemorating the day Jesus was killed and, um…why is that exclusionary again?  I guess because other people groups weren’t killed equally.  I’m not sure.

My point is Continue reading

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What If Your College Is ON Jupiter?

My second eldest daughter, Thing 2, graduates high-school this spring whereupon accolades for successfully making it through the simplest part of life will no doubt be generously bestowed upon her.  After that comes…well, therein lies the proverbial and axiomatic rub.  College seems to be all the rage these days for young high-school graduates so I suppose in order to avoid rocking the cultural and aphoristic boat, college is where we will probably send her.

But we are of course concerned.  Concerned that she will make good decisions.  Concerned for her safety.  But most of all concerned that once she gets out into the real world she might get her feelings hurt.  This is why we have scoured the finest of educational institutions in search of the one most likely to protect her from those nasty microagressions of self-expression that are bound to emotionally scar her and render her unable to function due to a general feeling of victimizing disagreement.

Looking around, we liked Continue reading

Welcome to the Third Year of My Blog. I Apologize.

Hello.  My name is Tim. Welcome to the third year of my blog.  Please do not protest me.  I apologize.

If you are especially astute you are to be self-congratulated for knowing what that means and noticing that I have not posted now for these three months as I have been engaged in a brief hiatus whereon I sought to learn a good Latin word for ‘taking a break.’   Actually, the real pretend reason I have been wanting in the blog post department is because frankly, between my work, family, and golf club membership, I have been busier than a horsetail at a fly convention.  I’ve been busier than Lois Lerner’s ‘delete’ button; busier than DNC spin doctors after a few off-the-cuff-remarks by Joe Biden—busier than Charles Barkley trying to say, “Irish wristwatch”—busier than…well, you get the idea.

Anyway… After a short but mysterious disappearance I have suddenly returned, which is yet another reason people tend to confuse me with Jack Bauer.  On the down side, returning to the blogosphere means that I will once again be doing stuff and saying things.  Continue reading

This Is One Big-Ash Wednesday!

Here it is Ash Wednesday, the day whereupon I traditionally sit on my ash and crank out some sort of Easter blog–and by ‘traditionally’ I mean one year in a row.  Easter is a special time at our house and we celebrate the resurrection of The Christ by consuming gluttonous amounts of ham, a cloven-hoofed delicacy that ironically Jesus himself never ate because, as it reads in Leviticus, The Queen Mother’s Dijon-pineapple glaze is positively sinful.

Easter for me is a source of pleasant memories, not the least of which is coloring eggs as a child and waking up Easter morning to search for them around the house, as they were purportedly scattered about by some sort of mischievous long-eared rodent.  A related memory is waking up a few days later to the sulfurous smell of the one or two that we overlooked.

A few years ago I created a more adult-type memory Continue reading

It’s an Ill Wind that Blows No Good

Right now I’m so fed up that I gained 7 pounds and I’m about to organize a political boycott of Hannibal, Missouri, a river town in Missouri named after founder Anthony Hopkins.  Sure I’ve never actually been there, but if I ever find myself having to go from Moberly to Pittsfield, I will certainly give Hannibal a wide berth and cross the Mississippi from Missouri to Illinois at Louisiana, even though that doesn’t make any sense.

According to news reports, a man entered the Hannibal city hall to conduct official business and several of the staff therein called 911—not just one or two, mind you, but several—because the individual in question had a “severe stinkiness” about him.  In short, B.O.  And I’m not talking about the Monopoly railroad. Continue reading