It’s no secret that I have some pet peeves around Christmastime, not the least of which is that you lose about ten percent of any given serving of egg nog because so much of it sticks to the sides of the glass.  Not quite as annoying but irksome nonetheless is the changing of lyrics to a Christmas song in order for the good folks on Madison Avenue to entice your average ignorant consumer into spending hard-earned cash on unneeded and often unwanted products—especially if that song is “Carol of the Bells”.

Since hate is such a strong word that is overused ad nausea and almost exclusively in a political context, let’s just say I harbour an abhorrent detestation for “Carol of the Bells”—even with its original words in tact as it thoroughly and rather creepily resembles the playground taunts of my troubled childhood.  And changing the words to advertise the wares of a personal injury lawyer is less than helpful:

An accident
My fender’s bent
I’ve not a cent
Can’t make my rent…

Who is this Carol, anyway?  And where exactly are “The Bells”?  Are they in Wisconsin?  Oh, how they pound…on without end…

Perhaps the only Christmas song worse than “Carol of the Bells” is “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.  There are exactly two versions of this song that are tolerable: the first is the Bob & Doug McKenzie version from the Golden Age of the 80s and the second is the much more recent version from the Boston Pops mainly because it incorporates both “The Hallelujah Chorus” and “Bohemian Rhapsody”.  Other than those exceptions, listening to T-DOC (its rapper name) is almost as painful as watching five minutes of The View because it lasts just short of forever with more monotonous verses than a King James Bible.  Perhaps even more irritating is that T-DOC is the easiest song to parody into an advertisement because the emphasis is on giving, as in “Giving the one you love my product over a twelve-day period will make all their wildest dreams come true and thus make this season the hap-happiest of all.”   (Insert vomit emoji here.)

I say all this to point out my sincere hypocrisy in writing my own parodic version of T-DOC, found below.  Written during the Spanish Inquisition to torture heathens into conversion, I have found through extensive research (involving an overheard snippet of conversation between my 20ish children) that the original “Twelve Days of Christmas” simply does not resonate with today’s carolers due largely to its relevance issues.  Pipers piping?  Lords a-leaping?  What?  And so many birds…Do people still want birds for Christmas?  I have therefore updated this song for today’s millennial generation such that it can again be truly understood and sung by the kids today with pride and real meaning, because that’s just the kind of guy I am.  I therefore give you…

The Twelve Days of Christmas for Millennials

On the first day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
A Participation trophy

On the second day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
Two Art degrees
and a Participation trophy

On the third day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
Three Touch screens
Two Art Degrees
and a Participation trophy

On the fourth day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
Four Entitlements
Three Touch screens
Two Art degrees
and a Participation trophy

On the fifth day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
Five GoFundMeeeees!
Four Entitlements
Three Touch screens
Two Art degrees
and a Participation trophy

On the sixth day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
Six Votes for Sanders
Five GoFundMeeeees!
Four Entitlements
Three Touch screens
Two Art degrees
and a Participation trophy

So it’s at this point in the song that shattering monotony explodes onto the scene and the mind-numbing verses multiply like polygamists, the purpose of which is simply to build frenetic melodic anticipation for the big day 5 climax.  I will save you the drama and skip straight to day 12, because again, that’s just the kind of guy I am.

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my bae-bae sent to me:
Twelve Likes and follows
Eleven Posts of whining
Ten Mirror selfies
Nine Basement dwellings
Eight Snubbed commitments
Seven Hipster glasses
Six Votes for Sanders
Five GoFundMeeeees!
Four Entitlements
Three Touch screens
Two Art Degrees
and a Participation trophy!

And as always, Merry Christmas from all of me here at conTIMplating! God bless us, every one.