Tag Archives: satire

‘Tis the Season…Or Not

Hark!  My Uncle Harold is singing, merry gentlemen are resting, and everywhere you look, gay yuletides!  This can only mean one thing: ‘tis the season to leave the ‘i’ off ‘it is’ and shamelessly throw around tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy.

Therefore in the spirit of joviality and good cheer, I would personally like to take this unique opportunity to don my red hat, roll up my Greensleeves, and wish you and yours all the generic goodness and generally pleasant emotive responses that customarily accompany the festival of your chosen religious tradition coinciding with the sun’s winter solstice! Continue reading →

High Way to Health

Regular readers of this blog are obviously getting the USDA recommended allowance of dietary fiber. And if such readers also happen to comeback to this site from time to time, they will have noticed that I have recently, through no fault of my own, been the victim of healthcare.

After being molested by the staff of my local physician (to include a test for pertussis which involves scraping a sample of one’s frontal lobe via the nasal passages), I was diagnosed with pneumonia. Panic I did not, for I had had this dreaded disease before, albeit the “walking” version which I think means that I had pneumonia but not really—kind of like zombies are “walking dead,” meaning they are dead but not really or like Republicans are “walking conservatives,” meaning they are conservatives but not really. Continue reading →

White Men Can’t Dance (and Neither Can Their Daughters)

People are having entirely too much fun these days. Luckily we have 24-hour news channels to keep us somber. And rainy days and Mondays. And celery.

I read somewhere that you burn more calories in the process of eating celery than the celery actually provides, so if you were to eat an all-celery diet you would eventually come to resemble an Olsen twin. Studies show that this is why God created celery in the shape of a U: to make it conveniently capable of containing a substance that would effectively kill its taste and provide fleeting pleasure, like peanut butter or some sort of manufactured cheese product in a can. But I digress… Continue reading →

I Am One Gross National Product

Now is probably as good a TIMe as any to admit that I am among the vilest of creatures. If you read further, do not say that I have not given you fair warning.

Newspapers, magazines, television and radio have, through the years, painted a picture of me that makes Stalin look like Grandpa Walton, which is weird because he actually resembles Captain Kangaroo. It is no wonder that my Facebook friends barely outnumber Minnesota Vikings Superbowl losses; I am apparently more deserving of disgust than even the TSA (a.k.a. Thousands Standing Around). Continue reading →

Pompous Circumstances

There is a problem within our communities that is growing like a pimple on the derriere of society. It seems there are youths living among us who infiltrate our school systems and, after several years of intense study, come to be known as…Valedictorians.

Your mind is no doubt reeling at this scandalous revelation. Some of you are in denial: “Surely not our schools.” Some are angry: “How could we have let this happen?” And some of you simply choose to ignore it: “How about that Downton Abbey?” Do what you will but this is a problem that, like Madonna, refuses to go away. Continue reading →