Regular readers of this blog are obviously getting the USDA recommended allowance of dietary fiber. And if such readers also happen to comeback to this site from time to time, they will have noticed that I have recently, through no fault of my own, been the victim of healthcare.

After being molested by the staff of my local physician (to include a test for pertussis which involves scraping a sample of one’s frontal lobe via the nasal passages), I was diagnosed with pneumonia. Panic I did not, for I had had this dreaded disease before, albeit the “walking” version which I think means that I had pneumonia but not really—kind of like zombies are “walking dead,” meaning they are dead but not really or like Republicans are “walking conservatives,” meaning they are conservatives but not really.

Anyway, while I was whiling for a while in the waiting room fully expecting a third Bush to be inaugurated before I would be seen by anyone resembling a healthcare professional, I had time to conTIMplate my health and my personal care of it. It’s not that I am an unhealthy person, but noting that my cholesterol level is approaching the same number of digits as on my left hand, there are some things upon which I could admittedly improve.

After a couple of weeks of procrastination, I immediately made a commitment to dedicate my potty-time reading to science journals and the government-funded studies contained therein in order to see what I could do to transform myself into one of the striking, chiseled forms I look forward to seeing each week on “The Bachelorette.” These journals and the subsequent reporting on their contents have since educated me and made me realize that the reason I am so ridiculously unhealthy is that I am far too healthy. Sorry, Michelle Obama, but the media has shown me that it is better for me to fore-go the religious nature of healthy diets and exercise and instead turn to the scientifically proven remedies of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drugs.

For example, alcohol is said to lower my risk of getting type 2 diabetes as well as gallstones. It is also good for the heart and lowers the risk of having a heart attack. (It is also good for the emotional heart, as proven by all the lonely people who would be out there if alcohol weren’t around to make them more attractive.)

And smoking is good for me, too. If in my drunken stupor I have an unlikely heart attack, I can recover more quickly if I am a smoker because it’s easier to break up the plaque in my arteries. Smoking also apparently lowers my risk of diseases named after doctors, like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. If that weren’t enough to get you up to a pack a day, one study shows that it even lowers the risk of having knee replacement surgery, presumably because smokers lack the lung capacity to jog more than 12 feet at a time.

One issue that is heating buttons right now is the use of marijuana. With the recent legalization of recreational use in Colorado and Washington demonstrating the power of the Frito-Lay lobby to influence election results, people are increasingly curious about pot and how its prolonged use might affect one’s presidency.

Putting the economic impact on local 7-11s aside, the benefits of smoking marijuana apparently outweigh the bias of baby-booming scientists who grew up in the 60s trying to prove its worth. According to conventional scientific wisdom, marijuana slows cancerous tumors, seizures, migraines, glaucoma, Tourette’s tics, obsessive-compulsive disorders, MS spasms, and ADD issues. It is a pain-killer, a barbiturate, a nausea cure, a diarrhea treatment, and even a PMS leveler, which has husbands from all over North America booking flights to Seattle and Denver.

And under the medicinal study category of “No Duh,” marijuana is proven to ease the effects of depression and anxiety. But pot is not the only option should these be your problems. Studies also show that LSD, Cocaine, Heroine and Ecstasy are all proven to alter one’s state of mind toward euphoria. Who knew? I’m so glad I have a team of university scientists willing to accept taxpayer-funded grants to investigate these deep mysteries of the universe.

Stress is a problem in our culture and these harder drugs are especially adept at treating and removing the anxiety issues we face everyday—stresses such as job performance, home ownership, and participating in a family. They are particularly useful in relieving specific anxieties regarding where one’s next hit is coming from and what is taking one’s supplier so long to return one’s calls.

And all of these substances fight America’s number one killer: obesity. One need look no further than the rock stars of the 70s to see that some acid with your angel and auntie will give you the body of Slenderman in no time.

Even Crystal Methamphetamine is good for you. Scientists in Taiwan have determined that meth actually fights influenza. Aside from the fact that somebody had the idea to conduct this study, what’s brilliant is that when taking meth there’s no more waiting in line at Walgreen’s for an old-fashioned flu-shot! And think of the added benefit of saving money on timeworn toiletries like skin creams and toothpaste! Of course, there is the downside of meth: addiction, depression, heart disease, anxiety, difficulty breathing, diarrhea, constipation, insomnia, hallucinations, blah, blah, blah. I’m not too worried about it. Marijuana is a proven treatment for all of these things.

Yessir, with my new-found lifestyle I’m sure I’ll be gracing the cover of Men’s Fitness before you know it.  Me and Keith Richards.