I Am One Gross National Product

Now is probably as good a TIMe as any to admit that I am among the vilest of creatures. If you read further, do not say that I have not given you fair warning.

Newspapers, magazines, television and radio have, through the years, painted a picture of me that makes Stalin look like Grandpa Walton, which is weird because he actually resembles Captain Kangaroo. It is no wonder that my Facebook friends barely outnumber Minnesota Vikings Superbowl losses; I am apparently more deserving of disgust than even the TSA (a.k.a. Thousands Standing Around).

For example, I am racist in that I am white, and being male I have a tendency to hoard power. I am old-fashioned in that I am married and I deprive my children by not giving them everything they want.

As a Westerner I am oppressive, as an American I over-consume, and as a foreign-car owner I am un-American. I dislike war so I am milquetoast, but sometimes I think violence is necessary so I am hawkish.

I am archaic because I believe in the US Constitution, and I am unpatriotic because I believe America makes mistakes. I think people should behave themselves which means I am meddlesome, but I don’t think they should be forced to, making me too permissive.

I stand up for my own rights so I am a rabid right-winger, I’m in favor of equal rights for everyone so I am a crazy leftist, and I believe in special rights for no one so I am a bigot.

I am a murderer in that I eat meat. I also eat vegetables and am thus a health-nut. I am unhealthy however, in that I do not exercise, and being older I am obsolete.

I have a few extra pounds that are unsightly and have blemishes that are downright ugly. I lack hair on my head, making me unmanly but have hair everywhere else, making me unattractive.

As a union worker I am lazy, as a taxpayer I am stingy, and as a saver I am greedy. I am successful and so have obviously taken advantage of an unfair system. I share my wealth with the less fortunate which gives me a bleeding-heart but I have no heart because I don’t believe the government should require it.

Believing things as true I am arrogant and disbelieving things as true I am ignorant. Being a Christian means I’m both and refusing to be a doormat means I am un-Christian.

As a church-goer I am hateful, and finding church dull and outdated I am a heathen. I find atheism illogical which makes me a religious zealot, I do not think all religions are equal which makes me intolerant, and I think Christians have a lot to learn which makes me pagan.

When I help others I am manipulative, when I don’t help others I am selfish, and when I help myself I am self-seeking.

I put my trash in receptacles and am thus a tree-hugger. I also drive an SUV so I am killing the planet. I am an environmentalist wacko in that I conserve resources, but I do not politicize the weather, making me a skeptic.

Remaining silent makes me aloof, speaking up makes me opinionated, and having opinions makes me prejudiced. When I agree I am a sycophant, when I disagree I am narrow-minded, and having original ideas makes me radical.

I pay attention to history and so am behind the times. I am nauseated by TMZ and so am out of touch. I laugh at Monty Python so I am irreverent, and I find Bill Maher offensive so I need to lighten up.

I usually pay my bills and thus perpetuate the system. Sometimes I don’t pay my bills and I buck the system. On the rare occasions I fight the system, I am a hooligan.

I find some women attractive which makes me a chauvinist. I find some women unattractive which also makes me a chauvinist. As one possessing male genitalia, I am a potential rapist.

When I talk about sex I am crude; when I don’t talk about sex, I’m a prude. When I talk about self-control I am controlling.

I am boring in that I am normal and am uninteresting in that I am good. When I deviate from being normal and good I am outrageous, and when I define ‘normal‘ and ‘good’ I am judgmental.

These are just a few of the things the media has taught me about myself so if you choose to not return to my blog, I understand completely. Perhaps if I just toned down my rhetoric…

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