It’s no secret that I have some pet peeves around Christmastime, not the least of which is that you lose about ten percent of any given serving of egg nog because so much of it sticks to the sides of the glass. Not quite as annoying but irksome nonetheless is the changing of lyrics to a Christmas song in order for the good folks on Madison Avenue to entice your average ignorant consumer into spending hard-earned cash on unneeded and often unwanted products—especially if that song is “Carol of the Bells”.
Since hate is such a strong word that is overused ad nausea and almost exclusively in a political context, let’s just say I harbour an abhorrent detestation for “Carol of the Bells”—even with its original words in tact as it thoroughly and rather creepily resembles the playground taunts of my troubled childhood. And changing the words to advertise the wares of a personal injury lawyer is less than helpful:
My fender’s bent
I’ve not a cent
Can’t make my rent… Continue reading →
Posted in The Petri Dish
- Tagged Carol of the Bells, Christmas, Christmas carols, culture, egg nog, holidays, humor, millennials, parody, pet peeves, Spanish Inquisition, The Twelve Days of Christmas, The View
According to a number of movies from the 40s and 50s, Christmas is a warm, wonderful time to gather with loved ones and sing carols, exchange gifts, and eat goodies—much like it was in first-century Palestine. And so, I thought to myself, what more appropriate time than that of joyous celebratory yuletidiness to have an abdominal mesh inserted into my nether regions? I went to see my doctor about just such a possibility.
For those unfamiliar, such a mesh is the long-term fix for what is known in medical jargon as a ‘hernia’. For laymen and Jim Fowler fans, a hernia is not a wheezy African dog; that would be a laughing hernia, which are more painful than a coughing hernia but less painful than a sneezing hernia. A medical hernia is Continue reading →
Well according to the likes of Perry Como, Ed Ames and Andy Williams, it’s that time of year when everyone starts going over the river and through the woods heading for Pennsylvania and some homemade pumpkin pie. So what better way to serve my fellow man and bring peace on earth than to share from my vast experience of being somewhere else and offer some useful and very alliterated helpful Hannukah holiday travel tips? So here goes…
HOLIDAY TRAVEL TIP #1: Do not travel.
This is actually the only tip I have to offer but admittedly, it is born of genius. If my life experience has taught me anything, Continue reading →
Posted in Tim Traveler
- Tagged 3-1-1, Christmas, culture, family, holidays, humor, life, Steve Jobs, travel, travel tips, TSA
An underrated gift idea. Collect all 32!
Well Fa-la-la, Rumpa-pum-pum, and Ring-ting-tingling too! Nonsense syllables are flying around higher than a paint-sniffing reindeer and The Carpenters are actually getting radio play! This can only mean it’s that time of year when we once again don our red hats and roll up our Greensleeves and get our shop on for the purpose of celebrating Christmas your preferred inoffensive non-specific winter holiday of good feelings and cheer! Yahoo*!
*(The aforementioned exclamation of enthusiastic holiday merriment is neither endorsed by nor affiliated with the popular internet portal. Thank you for not suing me.)
Now I know that getting that perfect gift for that special someone is a bigger hassle than doing one’s hair in the late 80s, so I have wasted upwards of numerous minutes to provide the followers of this very fine blog of electronic wonderment with a time-saving and awe-inspiring
conTIMplating Holiday Gift Guide For Gift Givers Who Give Gifts To People Who In Turn Receive Said Gifts Continue reading →
Posted in Potpourrhetoric
- Tagged Barbie, Barf, beauty, Christmas, civil rights, consumerism, culture, food, gift guide, gift-giving, holiday, humor, Lammily, life, NFL, Obama, Pooh