White Men Can’t Dance (and Neither Can Their Daughters)

People are having entirely too much fun these days. Luckily we have 24-hour news channels to keep us somber. And rainy days and Mondays. And celery.

I read somewhere that you burn more calories in the process of eating celery than the celery actually provides, so if you were to eat an all-celery diet you would eventually come to resemble an Olsen twin. Studies show that this is why God created celery in the shape of a U: to make it conveniently capable of containing a substance that would effectively kill its taste and provide fleeting pleasure, like peanut butter or some sort of manufactured cheese product in a can. But I digress…

In his very lengthy and italicized book, Bowling Alone, Robert Putnam, a Harvard professor with more degrees than a mercury thermometer but less toxic, says that we Americans are growing increasingly divided and depressed because we don’t do fun things together anymore. We don’t join bowling leagues or attend church picnics or have crazy drunken Tailhook conventions in Vegas like we used to. And it’s a good thing too, because it turns out that all fun social activities do is highlight our society’s penchant for offensive discrimination which would eventually lead to even deeper division and depression and before you know it we‘d all be moping around in a contradictory run-on sentence of super-fun dejection and disheartened hilarity.

It certainly seems obvious that the selfish behavior of social togetherness does nothing but divide our communities. For example, if one were to host a neighborhood bunko night it would immediately alienate all those neighbors who spell it ‘bunco.’ This would soon degenerate into “C’s are people too!“ yard signs and K-rights parades. Or if one were to organize a city-wide cat-punting festival, there would no doubt be certain number of humorless ‘sensitive’ individuals who would not take part because of so-called ‘cruelty issues’ blah blah blah.

It’s a good thing we have forward thinking organizations like the ACLU (Association Cancelling Liberties Unilaterally) to remind us how divisive social unity can be. They have teamed together with a single mom in Rhode Island to shame the community of Cranston into cancelling their daddy-daughter dances and their mother-son baseball games because not all daughters have daddies and not all sons have mothers and vice versa et cetera ad nauseum.

“Wait a second,” I hear you thinking, “Rhode Island is real?” Yes! And even though it is smaller than most families in Utah, it turns out they often show their disdain for one another by getting together and doing stuff with each other.

What they may fail to realize however, is that such communal intermingling illuminates the discriminatory nature of human activity. Such interaction must be stopped. Not to mention the sexual stereotyping of assuming that all moms like baseball or that all dads like to get jiggy. Pesky X and Y chromosomes aside, there is no evidence other than scientific, social, or experiential that says men and women, boys and girls aren‘t exactly the same until we as a society put crazy ideas in their heads that make them sprout sexist preferences and interests and body parts.

Take wearing skirts, for instance. We as a society poison our children with the notion that it is inappropriate for a man to wear a skirt unless he is tossing a caber. (Och!) Or what about us never placing urinals in a women’s restroom? Shouldn’t they have the option? Imagine the booming talking urinal cake industry that would result. On second thought…let’s not imagine that at all. Let’s imagine rainbows and unicorns (unless you’re a guy in which case you should imagine power tools and bacon). No Wait! We should all imagine non-discriminatory, asexual items such as celery or Ryan Seacrest.

The frustrating thing is that the universal answer to such difficulties in stereotyping and discrimination is entirely obvious and surprisingly simple: do nothing. Ever. If we as a society would simply do nothing no one would be excluded from what we are doing because we aren‘t doing it. Don’t you see? Doing nothing is the highest form of love and inclusion.

Thank you ACLU (Agitators of Communal Loathing & Umbrage) for protecting our freedom to require people to do nothing. Nothing says ‘Liberty’ like…well…‘Nothing.’

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