Hark! My Uncle Harold is singing, merry gentlemen are resting, and everywhere you look, gay yuletides! This can only mean one thing: ‘tis the season to leave the ‘i’ off ‘it is’ and shamelessly throw around tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy.
Therefore in the spirit of joviality and good cheer, I would personally like to take this unique opportunity to don my red hat, roll up my Greensleeves, and wish you and yours all the generic goodness and generally pleasant emotive responses that customarily accompany the festival of your chosen religious tradition coinciding with the sun’s winter solstice!
Please accept these non-specific tidings as proffered within an essence of comprehensive communal fellowship toward all peoples outside the scope of any particular ethnicity, physical ability, age, political affiliation, class, social consciousness, or sexual orientation
–as well as a position of inclusiveness and genuine respect toward those who happen to hold a differing chosen religious tradition from that of my own or anyone else’s.
Unless of course, you are one who chooses to advocate no religious tradition whatsoever, preferring instead to hold beliefs in support of the state-sponsored atheistic nature of scientific naturalism. In this case I, with a celebratory yearning for collectivity, exhaustively embrace your contradictory stance and offer to you as a non-believer all the pluralistic joyousness of moral relativism and the merry self-indulgent materialism and gladdening social disintegration it affords during this unnamed wintertime season.
Unless of course, you are one who holds to no seasonal distinction whatsoever and consider this time of year to be indistinguishable from any other. In this case I bid to you all the uniform sameness and steadfast emotional monotony this identical time of year presents as it is equivalent and interchangeable with other segments of the same calendar year.
That being said, may the New Year that follows this short time of individual preferential holiday observance—or not, as the case may be—be one of happiness, egalitarian prosperity, and overall fairness indicative of justice, equality, and a sense of authentic non-discrimination.
Unless of course, you abide by a calendar contrary to the one generally accepted by Western culture, which is understandable given that it is based upon the existence of a certain historical figure who some find highly offensive by virtue of his exclusive religious nature and implorations as to his personal definitions of values and decency. In this case I extend to you all the same happiness, egalitarian prosperity and overall fairness as the Western calendar observers received, but in a context of indistinct timelessness conducive with whichever tabular register of chronology you choose to follow.
And finally, may I submit to everyone: Peace on earth…
(unless of course, as opposed to peace on earth you are one who prefers a state of war such as a mercenary, terrorist, drug lord, skinhead, or totalitarian dictator who must maintain political power through tactics of intimidation; in which case I proffer all the vulgarity and hateful bloodshed of warring nations to you, and may your personal preference for crimes against humanity bring you all the exultation and fulfillment naturally accompanying violations of international law)
(of course, by ‘good will’ I am making a bold assumption that humans indeed have a will and are not a blind product of evolutionary forces, living instead by the natural instincts provided by the materialistic cosmic accident that some may hold to be our origin; in this case I instead wish upon you all the winsome fortunateness required to flourish as a natural purposeless materialization within the universal system of chance, and may your instincts gregariously harmonize with your adapting environmental development)
(and by ‘men’ I intend to say ‘gender-neutral humanity’ unless, of course, you are like that guy from New Jersey I saw on Ripley’s Believe It or Not! who is slowly transforming himself into a cheetah via thousands of tattooed spots; in which case I bestow upon you nothing pertaining to humanity at all, but rather may you acquire all the stealthy catlike, yet hairball-free behavior patterns that supplement your freakish transformation along with the feline arrogance and years of mirthful playfulness that will undoubtedly accompany your bodily mutilations).
It has been my desire to offer a handshake of corporate oneness in whichever frame of mind you find appropriate and I hope that nothing I have said will cause undue stress, anxiety, or trepidation on your part during this ambiguous and undifferentiated period of time in our lives. My earnest desire through this post is to successfully reach everyone with a herald free of insult and offense but if not, I gravely apologize for my missteps and offer to you this final greeting:
In the fruitless spirit of absolute nothingness, please accept my sincere meaningless wishes of futile nonexistence and may the sterile void of useless oblivion as well as the hollow insignificance of barren emptiness fill your nihilistic hearts with all the paltry, pointless immateriality of inconsequence.