Tag Archives: sarcasm

#OscarsSoNotMe

So I’ve decided to boycott the Oscars this year. I categorically am stating to you, the reader, and all the world for that matter, this simple fact: I will not be attending next month’s Academy Awards. (Excuse me for a moment…GMA is about to call.) The primary reason, of course, is that I was not invited. Again. Plus I am somewhat disgusted by their egoistic self-congratulatory nature. And once the opening monologue is over, they are about as interesting as C-SPAN at 2 a.m. after a couple doses of NyQuil. But those are only the main reasons.

The host of secondary reasons I will be shunning the seemingly unshunnable include the fact that the extensive list of nominees is about as diverse as a Northern Wisconsin deer camp. Scanning the list, I almost feel as if I am not welcome into the community. Nowhere is there anyone who looks like me. Nowhere is there a Continue reading →

Welcome to the Fourth Year of My Blog. I Apologize.

Hello.  My name is Tim.  Welcome to the fourth year of my blog.  Please do not be offended.  I apologize.

So here we are again.  Those who consider themselves regular readers of this electronic page of web-based wonderment are kidding themselves because one cannot be a regular reader of something that does not regularly exist.  Such is the case with this virtual locale of computerized verbosity, as I have lamentably not posted in nearly a year.

I would like to blame my lack of typeset activity on a sudden and debilitating mandoline tragedy, but alas, I am not that lucky.  It is instead the case Continue reading →

How to Be an Award-Winning Blogger

I have been blogging now for exactly 18+ months or so (give or take) and I must say, I am all Baghdadified (that is, in shock and awe) that I have not received any smugly satisfactory and pretentiously praiseful honors from within my own pompous peer group such that I can properly puff myself up with conceited pride and self-important pomposity.  Nor have I even received a nomination!

But then I watched television last Sunday night and what I discovered via the Columbia Broadcasting System made me involuntarily exclaim, “Oh Lorde!  I have been doing it all wrong!”  I have been foolishly just sitting at my computer and writing, not at all using the obvious tactical strategery it takes to be an esteemed and celebrated success in one’s chosen field.  How could I have not seen it sooner?

Being the unselfish egoist I am, I will share what I learned the other night Continue reading →

Shouldn’t Veterans’ Day Be March Fourth?

This past week was Veterans’ Day here in America and, as always, it brought to the fore awareness of correct apostrophe usage.   Veteran’s Day was originally established as “Armistice Day” to commemorate the aptly-named Treaty of Versailles being signed in the Palace of Versailles outside the town of Versailles but was later changed to Ve’terans Day to recognize all the new and improved veterans after they realized that The Great War that was The War to End All Wars wasn’t actually that great and didn’t end all wars at all but instead caused a number of follow-on wars and thus created more veterans that needed recognizing.

And so traditionally on Veterans D’ay, the government shuts down in such a way that doesn’t even make the news and people get together to post gratitudinal platitudes on Facebook.  Being a veteran myself, I received a number of thank-yous for my ‘service’ that included keeping America safe for democracy, defending the Constitution against all enemies foreign and domestic, and seeing how many foreign-made beverages I could get past the customs agent. Continue reading →

It’s National? Punctuation! …Day.

In the spirit of shared communal togetherness, I will forward the announcement that today, September 24, is, of course, National Punctuation Day, which is why I, your blogger, have chosen to begin today’s entry with as many commas, that is, small punctuation marks, as possible.  Be sure to wish your store clerk a “Happy Holiday.”

National Punctuation Day was started in 2004 by sauerkraut sandwich inventor Jeff Rubin for the purpose of improving punctuation use and awareness among Americans who on the whole would rather care about matching towels or whether or not Twinkies are the same.  Correct punctuation usage has fallen by the wayside, says Rubin, and since the Republican strategy for dealing with this crisis is to defund Obamacare and the Democratic strategy is to call Republicans racists, Mr. Rubin decided that instead of being Batman’s sidekick, he, himself, would seek to create a day whereon the focus would be entirely hyphenated. Continue reading →