How to Be an Award-Winning Blogger

I have been blogging now for exactly 18+ months or so (give or take) and I must say, I am all Baghdadified (that is, in shock and awe) that I have not received any smugly satisfactory and pretentiously praiseful honors from within my own pompous peer group such that I can properly puff myself up with conceited pride and self-important pomposity.  Nor have I even received a nomination!

But then I watched television last Sunday night and what I discovered via the Columbia Broadcasting System made me involuntarily exclaim, “Oh Lorde!  I have been doing it all wrong!”  I have been foolishly just sitting at my computer and writing, not at all using the obvious tactical strategery it takes to be an esteemed and celebrated success in one’s chosen field.  How could I have not seen it sooner?

Being the unselfish egoist I am, I will share what I learned the other night such that I and my colleagues may attain industry recognition for our writings and the rewarding absorption that comes with self-admiration and overestimation.   In other words, here are some surefire tips on how to be an award-winning blogger that I will be following in the future:

First of all (1.), Gyrate in a thong.

To avoid confusion, I am talking about this:

56th GRAMMY Awards - Show


Not this:



The secret to award-winning artistry is evidently to 1) place a piece of leather between your butt cheeks and 2) move them around as if you were a long-haul trucker with hemorrhoids.   I’m so stupid!  Had I been displaying such well-rounded talents from the beginning, I might have been asked to read a blog at the Superbowl by now or even at a presidential inauguration as part of the best this nation has to offer.  Of course, I wouldn’t read it there; I would read it earlier and just move my lips as if I were reading it live.

2. Uninspired repetitive tedium.

One mistake I know I have been making is to take longer than 7 minutes to write a blog piece and waste my time trying to be clever and/or entertaining.  Turns out all I have to do for critical acclaim is write one or two lines and repeat them over and over and over and over.  And over.  I have thus vowed to change my ways.  I have thus vowed to change my ways.

Here is a sneak peak as to what you can expect next week:

up all night

Imagine if I were to combine the above creative genius with hitting the ‘Funk’ button on my synthesizer while wearing a motorcycle helmet.  BAM!  I don’t even want to think about it.  I would have to change my name to Unbelievable Rockin’ SuperStar and both my friends would see me and say, “What up URS?!”

It’s a good thing I don’t own a synthesizer.

3. Distort religions and mock their sacraments.

Not all religions, mind you, only those that espouse some sort of truth, because everybody knows there is no such thing as truth.  Except for the truth that there is no such thing as truth.

Actually, even out of those one should limit criticism to religions that will not threaten to blow you up as a result of your ridicule because that might show that you in fact have, you know…courage.

So in order to gain sure-fire award-winning attention, from now on I will only blog in a church-like setting and wear its symbols while concurrently disdaining its tenets.   I will also henceforth espouse marriage equality drawn out to its logical outworkings such that I can legally wed my space heater as it would be the one spousal unit in my house with feet that can be maintained at an endurable temperature.  You of course may disagree with me on this and I welcome your comments below.  Just be sure to include an explanation as to why you hate me and are so intolerant.

And finally,

4. Get a corporate sponser.

Pharrell's Arby's hat


With these new-found secrets my blog is sure to take off and win all sorts of self-congratulatory and narcissistic accolades.  I just have to stop trying so hard and take a political stand.  And stop wearing pants.

9 thoughts on “How to Be an Award-Winning Blogger

  1. I dare you to find a space heater worthy of being called “Queen Mother”, in spite of the cold feet at night. I suggest moving to a more heat friendly state where your spouse’s feet naturally stay warm. Sincerely, the Queen Mother. PS – Please don’t blog in a thong!


  2. Oh, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. I hasten to say, as, my intention isn’t to crush your meritorious endeavors, but, if we’re gonna be honest, you’re just not sporting the correct genitalia. There’s a specific demographic that you need to appeal to, which encompasses, not only the sad (sexually curious) male populous, between the ages of 9yrs-49yrs old, but, also the female audience (that wanna be just like you!) between the ages of 4yrs-59yrs old.

    So, until you can permanently tether your junk, and, reach full (cocoa butter) skin saturation, you’re just gonna have to settle for the small following of wanna-be’s that are offered through this little venue.

    But, you could try force feeding your hair to an oscillating fan, if you wanna try to gain some sympathy votes. Or, a pageboy haircut, that might work too. Good luck!


  3. Well thanks Tim for crushing my blog dream. I just knew that I too was going to be an award-winning blogger, but dammit, I don’t think I am up for the gyrating and Arby’s hat wearing and though I think “Get Lucky” is an okay song, I don’t think I will try to conjure anything up along those “blurred lines.” Great blog Tim, very funny!!!!


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