Hello. My name is Tim. Welcome to the fourth year of my blog. Please do not be offended. I apologize.
So here we are again. Those who consider themselves regular readers of this electronic page of web-based wonderment are kidding themselves because one cannot be a regular reader of something that does not regularly exist. Such is the case with this virtual locale of computerized verbosity, as I have lamentably not posted in nearly a year.
I would like to blame my lack of typeset activity on a sudden and debilitating mandoline tragedy, but alas, I am not that lucky. It is instead the case that my ability to post has been trumped by my lack of motivation and/or inclination, which has recently reversed itself into a thriving enthusiastic impetus thus allowing me to publish this, an essay of artistic bewilderment that, like BBC’s Sherlock, numbers one-in-a-row. This is to hopefully be followed by other such postings that might, in a single year, number upwards of some.
Unfortunately, such frenetic action requires that I believe stuff and say things, activities considered by many to be outrageously offensive. Therefore, I would like to once again go ahead and apologize for my personally insulting choice of not being silently idle. What I believe and/or say is either stupid and thoughtless or I am too spineless to stand behind it. Kinda like IHOP.
IHOP stands for the International House of Pancakes, so named because they serve crepes. Last fall they sent out a tweet that said their pancake was “flat but had a great personality.” After the appropriate amount of vitriol from nearly one third of IHOP’s seven Twitter followers , they issued an apology. As do I. While I cannot attest as to their personality, I also make pancakes that are flat. I am sorry.
Food is always causing outrage. Clemson University recently issued an apology for their annual “Maximum Mexican” night on which the cafeteria served a “Mexican Food Fiesta” to its unwitting students. Turns out serving Mexican food is ‘#CUlturallyinsensitive’ and students caused a suitable uproar as they had evidently never heard of Taco Tico, an establishment that serves nothing but Mexican-themed food. Clemson University’s Vice President of Student Affairs issued an apology and went on to promise that the university “will continue to work closely with [its] food service provider to create dining programs that align with Clemson University’s core values,” which presumably means deleting all food from its menu as preparation techniques are known to reek of odious ethnic origins.
I too offer an apology. I confess to eating Mexican food on a semi-regular basis, often preparing it myself. Sometimes I’ll go so far as to have guacamole with something that’s not even considered Mexican such as a club sandwich. Sorry about that. I also like pizza, which is insensitive to Italians, and potatoes, which do little but mock the Irish. My food choices are obviously hateful and inexcusable. I apologize.
And not only is preparing food offensive, it turns out not preparing food is offensive as well. Just ask the bakers in Colorado and Oregon who elected not to bake a wedding cake for gay couples or the pizza place in Indiana that refused to cater a gay wedding—all were subject to lawsuits for their highly offensive and discriminatory practice of doing nothing without pay. Before I am lumped in with these vile do-nothing idlers, I will just go ahead and apologize right now. I will unequivocally never bake a wedding cake for, or cater a gay wedding. Or any wedding for that matter. There I said it. Sorry. Take me to court if you must.
And I also apologize for being like rapper, T.I. Not only do we share the same very cool letters in our supposed name, but our political views get us in water hot enough to be on a CW drama. T.I. recently apologized for impertinently saying he would not vote for a woman to be president. I realize how hurtful this is to some of you, but neither will I vote for a woman to be president—at least this time around. Sorry about that.
A landlord in Jacksonville, Florida recently apologized to his tenants for a gas leak that occurred as a result of some repairs in his apartment complex. Turns out after they turned the gas back on they made a little, teeny mistake in failing to light the pilot lights of each individual apartment—which could have…you know…killed people. But he apologized so that’s okay. I too have gas leaks (see previous post). I apologize. While to the best of my knowledge they have put no one in mortal danger, they are often regrettable. Sorry.
Even sports stars are not above doing stuff and being stupid and/or spineless. Mets pitcher Matt Harvey apologized to teammates and fans after missing a team workout going into the NLDS against the Dodgers. I have evidently really screwed up because I have missed every Mets workout ever. Sorry about that.
And Chicago Bears offensive coordinator Aaron Kromer apologized earlier in the season for criticizing quarterback Jay Cutler by saying they were having a case of “buyer’s remorse.” Really? I had no idea that giving an exorbitant contract to someone striving for mediocrity required an apology. Being one of the few lifelong Lions’ fans who hasn’t committed suicide, I guess I too should apologize. I have voiced my ‘buyer’s remorse’ pretty much every year since 1971: Chuck Long, Charles Rogers, Andre Ware, Mike Williams, Joey Harrington, Marty Mornhinweg, Matt Millen, etc., etc., ad nauseam. For that I sincerely apologize. I am truly sorry you guys suck like an Oreck made of antimatter.
As you can see, I am one sorry individual. Please forgive my beliefs and/or attitudes and/or vocal secretions both past and future. I seem to have a knack for doing stuff and saying things that are not you. I am truly stupid and/or spineless. I apologize.