Hello. My name is Tim. Welcome to the third year of my blog. Please do not protest me. I apologize.
If you are especially astute you are to be self-congratulated for knowing what that means and noticing that I have not posted now for these three months as I have been engaged in a brief hiatus whereon I sought to learn a good Latin word for ‘taking a break.’ Actually, the real pretend reason I have been wanting in the blog post department is because frankly, between my work, family, and golf club membership, I have been busier than a horsetail at a fly convention. I’ve been busier than Lois Lerner’s ‘delete’ button; busier than DNC spin doctors after a few off-the-cuff-remarks by Joe Biden—busier than Charles Barkley trying to say, “Irish wristwatch”—busier than…well, you get the idea.
Anyway… After a short but mysterious disappearance I have suddenly returned, which is yet another reason people tend to confuse me with Jack Bauer. On the down side, returning to the blogosphere means that I will once again be doing stuff and saying things. This will tend to upset people who fall into the category of Not Me. These people will undoubtedly protest me, as they suffer from affluence and have too much free time. I therefore would like to go ahead and apologize ahead of time, to head off such protests.
I am sorry. Please accept my ongoing apology. I apologize to you because: a) I am stupid; 2) I say stupid things; or #) I say what I mean but am too spineless to stand behind it. In short, I am a lot like Ted Cruz.
Senator Ted Cruz has had to apologize a lot this year because he has been repeaTEDly protesTED by people who are not him. For example, last October he gave a filibuster speech that lasTED all night and well into November. He then staTED in a reckless use of hyperbole, that giving said speech was a lot like “the Bataan Death March.” Survivors from said Bataan Death March then protesTED Mr. Cruz saying things like, “Uh…No. It wasn’t.”
Ted Cruz apologized. What he meant to say was that listening to his speech was like the Bataan Death March. Regrettably, I too find political speeches torturous and so I too apologize. Not only that, but I also have used hyperbole in lame attempts at humor. Sorry about that. I should probably be crucified.
But it didn’t end there. Senator Cruz was thereafter protesTED by the Nigerian government for likening the operators of the Obamacare website to Nigerian e-mail scammers. Evidently the Nigerians didn’t like their e-mail scams being compared to such incompetence. Cruz subsequently apologized.
As do I. I as well have compared certain things to Nigerian e-mail scammers to include Nigerian con-artists, Nigerian 419 swindlers, and Nigerian pirates. I am sorry. I do not mean to imply that Nigerian e-mail scammers are untrustworthy.
I am also like late-night host Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel had to apologize last fall after being protested by the Chinese for airing a spot wherein a little kid said that the best way to relieve our Chinese debt was to “kill everyone in China.” (In a related story, that little kid now holds a prominent position on Dick Cheney’s advisory staff.) Jimmy obviously hates Chinese people for finding such an absurd childhood statement absurd. I too think kids say the darndest things and thus probably hate somebody as a result. Therefore, I too apologize. In fact, I would be so depraved as to think that kids saying the darndest things might be a good idea for a TV show. Sorry.
And I am like Speaker of the House John Boehner. Boehner was protested by fellow Republicans after chastising them for moving like snails on immigration reform, which he says is urgently needed because for some reason, our current unenforced system doesn’t seem to be working. He later apologized. And I should too. I tend to chastise not only Republicans, but Democrats as well for their snail-like qualities: slow movement, sliminess, most active in the dark, being invertebrates, etc. Sorry about that.
And I should probably apologize for being like the Syrian rebels who sparked protests after beheading the wrong guy and waving his head around in zealously enthusiastic vehemence. Turns out he was one of their own fighters. Doh! They quickly apologized however, seeking “understanding and forgiveness.” It was a simple misunderstanding. I mean, how often do you come home from church in a religious fervor and you’re having a barbeque with friends and you behead somebody and you’re waving the head around having a grand old time and you suddenly realize: “Ach! This guy was in the choir!” It’s like I’m always doing that. Then there’s that whole awkward silence and you’re asking the family for understanding and forgiveness… It really could happen to anybody. Sorry.
So please do not protest me. I am sincerely stupid and/or spineless. I apologize.