Here it is Ash Wednesday, the day whereupon I traditionally sit on my ash and crank out some sort of Easter blog–and by ‘traditionally’ I mean one year in a row.  Easter is a special time at our house and we celebrate the resurrection of The Christ by consuming gluttonous amounts of ham, a cloven-hoofed delicacy that ironically Jesus himself never ate because, as it reads in Leviticus, The Queen Mother’s Dijon-pineapple glaze is positively sinful.

Easter for me is a source of pleasant memories, not the least of which is coloring eggs as a child and waking up Easter morning to search for them around the house, as they were purportedly scattered about by some sort of mischievous long-eared rodent.  A related memory is waking up a few days later to the sulfurous smell of the one or two that we overlooked.

A few years ago I created a more adult-type memory and took advantage of an opportunity I had of attending Easter Mass at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.  Being neither Catholic nor French, I was more lost than if I were in a conversation with Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley.  Regardless, it is on my list of The Coolest Things I Have Ever Done and I have a hunch I will be back to Notre Dame.

Anyway, last year I offered a rendition of the Easter Story from the ATSV, that is, the American Teen Slag Version.  This year I continue the conTIMplating Easter tradition (i.e., one year in a row) by offering the same reading from the NASPCT, that is, the New American Standard Politically Correct Translation:

Early on the day of the week that is equal to all other days, while it was still dark, but no darker than at any other time, not that being dark is good or bad, just different from and yet equivalent to light, Mary Magdalene went to the gravesite that is not class-specific and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance, noting that being stoned is neither better or worse than not being stoned.  So he/she came running to Simon Peter and the equal disciple, the one Jesus loved identically and on par with all other disciples, and said, “They or someone else whom we cannot assume are guilty as that would be profiling have taken the Peer out of the gravesite that is not class-specific, and we don’t know where they or someone else whom we cannot assume are guilty as that would be profiling have put him or her–not that having said knowledge would be any better or worse than not having said knowledge.”

So Peter and the equal disciple started for the gravesite that is not class-specific.  Both were running, but Peter, being rapidity-challenged was oppressed by the equal disciple, as said hateful disciple did not allow Peter to reach the gravesite that is not class-specific simultaneously and in unity.  The equal disciple had to bend over as the design of said gravesite that is not class-specific discriminated against the tall and gangly.  He/she looked in at the strips of linen lying there but chose freely of his own will not to go in.  Then Simon Peter, who was behind him or her due to being oppressed, arrived and entered the gravesite that is not class-specific.  He/she saw the strips of linen lying there as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus’ head.  The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen, indicating the schism of prejudice between them.  Finally, the equal disciple, who had so hatefully reached the gravesite that is not class-specific first, also went inside to be equal with his or her comrade.  He/she saw and believed, but held his or her belief privately and maintained respect for those who chose not to believe, lest he be labeled a radical extremist.  (They still did not understand from Antiquated Male-Patriarchal Writings that Jesus had to rise from the living-and-breathing-challenged.)

Then the disciples went back to their homes with full sensitivity toward those who do not have their own homes, but Mary stood outside the gravesite that is not class-specific crying, though not because her gender is weaker or more sensitive.  As he/she wept though not because his or her gender is weaker or more sensitive, he/she bent over to look into the gravesite that is not class-specific and discriminatory against the tall and gangly and saw two gender-neutral beings in garments of Northern European descent seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at one specific location that does not in any way indicate superiority and the other at another specific location that does not in any way indicate inferiority.

They asked her, “Certain gender, why are you crying, not that you are of a weaker or more sensitive gender than another?”

“They whom I cannot assume are guilty because that would be profiling have taken my Peer away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they whom I cannot assume are guilty because that would be profiling have put him or her.”  At this, he/she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but he/she did not realize it was Jesus because it occurred to him or her that Jesus probably wouldn‘t be standing as that would be an insult and exclusionary to the lame and crippled.

“Certain gender,” he said, “why are you crying, not that you are of a weaker or more sensitive gender?  Who is it you are looking for?  Because if you are looking for one specific person, that would be exclusionary to all other persons.”

Being racist and thus assuming he was the gardener because he was not white, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him or her away, tell me where you have put him or her and I will get him or her to show you that I do not expect you to work against your will, but am willing to do so in order to exemplify my penchant toward inclusion and equal opportunity.”

Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

He/she turned toward him or her and cried out in a non-Western tongue, “Rabboni!” (which anyone who is culturally sensitive to diversity knows the meaning of). 

Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me (unless you really want to because I would hate to impede your freedom to do as you wish), for I have not yet returned to the parental unit.  Go instead to my nongender-specific siblings and tell them within proper speech codes that, ‘I am returning to my Parental Unit and your Parental Unit, to my Supreme Being Belief of Choice and your Supreme Being Belief of Choice.’”

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the unbiased news:  “I have seen our Peer!”  And in the spirit of inclusion, he/she told them that he/she had said these things to everyone without regard to race, creed, color, religion or sexual orientation.

Happy Easter everybody!  (I think.)