What If Your College Is ON Jupiter?

My second eldest daughter, Thing 2, graduates high-school this spring whereupon accolades for successfully making it through the simplest part of life will no doubt be generously bestowed upon her.  After that comes…well, therein lies the proverbial and axiomatic rub.  College seems to be all the rage these days for young high-school graduates so I suppose in order to avoid rocking the cultural and aphoristic boat, college is where we will probably send her.

But we are of course concerned.  Concerned that she will make good decisions.  Concerned for her safety.  But most of all concerned that once she gets out into the real world she might get her feelings hurt.  This is why we have scoured the finest of educational institutions in search of the one most likely to protect her from those nasty microagressions of self-expression that are bound to emotionally scar her and render her unable to function due to a general feeling of victimizing disagreement.

Looking around, we liked Continue reading

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If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Ban ‘Em

‘Groovy.’  ‘Far out.’ ‘Totally awesome.’  There are certain words and phrases that rightfully have been relegated to the trash heap of clichés so lame their use automatically qualifies you for a handicap parking sticker.  Other expunged examples from the past include ‘excellent,’ ‘…from hell,’ ‘gnarly,’ ‘bogus,’ ‘totally bogus,’ ‘Jon-Benet,’ and ‘Starring Pauly Shore.’

Another one is ‘War on Terror.’  Say what you want about President Obama.  Then move on to the next paragraph.

One thing our current illustrious president, P.BO, has accomplished is the abolition of the phrase ‘War on Terror,’ a phrase coined by our former illustrious president, W. Bush.  ‘War on Terror’ was so overused and religiously chanted by media outlets that it became downright meaningless—as evidenced by the continuing proliferation of terror in our society today, to include zombie movies, Stephen King novels and Nancy Pelosi press conferences. Continue reading

Holy Week, Batman! It’s Easter!

Hello and here we are in the midst of the most holy week of the Christian calendar, not to be confused with the Christian colander which is also holey but for an entirely different reason.  Holy week is the time of year when believers in the resurrection of Christ become especially reverent and often take time  to personally and  solemnly reflect on why TV commercials can say ‘Easter’ but can’t say ‘Christmas.’

It’s also the time of year when people who normally wouldn’t go to church if their soul depended on it suddenly find themselves going two or three times in a span of a few days “just in case” or to maybe give their busted bracket a supernatural boost. Continue reading