Your Very Own conTIMplating Holiday Gift Guide

An underrated gift idea.  Collect all 32 varieties!

An underrated gift idea. Collect all 32!

Well Fa-la-la, Rumpa-pum-pum, and Ring-ting-tingling too!  Nonsense syllables are flying around higher than a paint-sniffing reindeer and The Carpenters are actually getting radio play!  This can only mean it’s that time of year when we once again don our red hats and roll up our Greensleeves and get our shop on for the purpose of celebrating Christmas your preferred inoffensive non-specific winter holiday of good feelings and cheer!  Yahoo*!

*(The aforementioned exclamation of enthusiastic holiday merriment is neither endorsed by nor affiliated with the popular internet portal.  Thank you for not suing me.)

Now I know that getting that perfect gift for that special someone is a bigger hassle than doing one’s hair in the late 80s, so I have wasted upwards of numerous minutes to provide the followers of this very fine blog of electronic wonderment with a time-saving and awe-inspiring

conTIMplating Holiday Gift Guide For Gift Givers Who Give Gifts To People Who In Turn Receive Said Gifts

 As the father of two girls, I know exactly what girls want for Christmas: diamonds.  But if you suffer from a certain tight-fisted practicality like myself, a more economical substitute are Barbies.  Girls love Barbies.  And what’s great is that nowadays there are more options than just your run-of-the-mill surgically enhanced runway model variety.  Popular right now is the new body-image bootylicious All-About-That-Bass Barbie.

New BarbieIt comes with its own trunk chocked full of junk—perfect for making the rockin’ world go ’round.

Also of interest this year is the new Lammily doll, which is marketed as a Barbie for the average girl who has never seen a magazine cover.  It comes with stickers so you can give her all sorts of politically correct imperfections such as acne, stretch marks, and cellulite—even bruises should you want to pretend she has a boyfriend in the NFL.

Barbie2And these just scratch the idiomatic surface of the Real-Life Barbie iceberg tip.  Other options include Teen-Pregnancy Barbie,








That’s-Not-How-She-Looked-Last-Night Barbie,










Plastic-Surgery-Addict Barbie,

Plastic surgery Barbie









And Life-Long-Smoker Barbie.

Smoker Barbie









For the man in your life, I recently stumbled across a great gift idea that is sure to bring you hours of festive enjoyment:  flatulence pills.  A 65-year-old Frenchman has developed an all-natural pill you can take to make your previously noxious gaseous emissions smell literally like the figurative roses to which I tend to refer.

Mr. Poincheval, the inventor, said he came up with the idea for the pills one evening when he was enjoying a hearty meal with some friends:  “Our farts were so smelly we were nearly suffocated. Something had to be done.”  Indeed.  Necessity is the mother of invention.

So he struck out and began researching natural ingredients that would not only reduce flatulence, but make them smell sweeter.  After just a few short months of experimentation and 37 olfactory assistants who kept quitting once they realized they had the worst job in the world, he came up with the recipe for his pills.

New for this year is the Christmas Edition Chocolate Aroma Fart Pill, which retails for €10 a jar.  It’s the perfect gift, ladies.  Throw out all those Yankee Candles; you don’t need them anymore. Simply pass the lentils and wait for the magic.  And just like all those times he bought you lingerie, it’s a gift for him, yes, but it’s really a gift for yourself.  And don’t you deserve it?  Learn more at

Fellas, let’s face it; she’s on to you about the whole lingerie being a gift for her thing.  But!  She still thinks perfume is for her…And nothing gets your attention like the smell of pizza…So…








She’ll smell like an employee after a 10-hour shift without actually working there!  She’s getting a thoughtful gift, and…pizza.  Win-Win.

But then, the age-old question: what should I get for that special minority in my life who is looking for justice and equality?  Look no further.










These are pleasing presents and can be purchased individually or as part of an entire Malcolm X-foliating gift pack that includes Rosa-scented Evers-soft skin cream.  It’s a dream come true!

For your Italian friends…

bubble gum







Sounds delicious!  And how about this for your chopstick-wielding buddies?

chopstick fan







Never burn your mouth on noodles again!  Now if they only had one for Hot Pockets…

Everyone knows someone with prostate issues.  Be a pal and get them a six pack of








…or a box of







Got some friends who are junkies?  Do they like seafood?  Imagine their joy at opening this on Christmas morning…








You’ll be the toast of the next bender!

Food is always a good gift—especially if it’s unique.  It’s generally inexpensive and can expand one’s culinary horizons.  I always give my vegetarian friends a can of…

unicorn meat









If it doesn’t exist, it can’t be meat, I always say.  Think Spam, only even more mystical.

Perhaps you’re like me and you know someone who is a Democrat.  Watch how they light up when they find this under the tree…








Just put them in hot water for six years until they’re done!  And if they don’t like the taste, they can always jazz it up with a little of this Netanyahu seasoning:

Bird Crap









Oriental food is always fun to give.  For example, I always give a box of this to the girl who dumped me in college:








I haven’t heard from her in a while, but I’m sure she loves it!  And imagine the surprise at finding a big pile of this under the tree:










It’s especially good when washed down with an old-fashioned can of

Ear Juice







Okay, as an aside I’m going to say right now that Asian food companies should just stop trying to market in English. It’s like selling a Chevy Nova in Mexico.  Just stop.  I was in Korea recently and my mini-fridge was stocked with this:

Placenta Drink









Sure, a toasty mug of placenta drink sounds delightful on a cold winter’s night but thank you, no.  I was there for my kids’ births.  Not gonna try it.  Makes a great stocking stuffer, though!

Speaking of stocking stuffers…What could be more of a hit than finding this in your stockings?









I guarantee your hosiery will never smell the same after being filled with Barf!  A particularly economical way to give this product is to get the big box, then place individual servings in those little paper bags that the airlines give away for free!  Soon your whole house will smell of Barf!

What else?  Well, bacon is all the rage right now because, as you know, it’s bacon.  Who besides your pinko-commie bed-wetter doesn’t like to wake up to the smell of frying bacon?  Especially on Christmas morning?  Well, with this little beauty every day can be like Christmas morning:

Dream Griddle








Just lay your slices of artery-hardening deliciousness on the griddle at bedtime and turn out the lights and if you haven’t burned to death in the night, you can enjoy fresh, hot bacon as soon as you open your eyes!  What could be better than that?

If you know of someone who tends to be an arsonist in the kitchen, a cookbook is always a good idea.  Here is my personal favorite:










I’ve found that cooking with Pooh really lightens your load and, number two, everything taste like brownies.  Scrumpdillyiciousness abounds!

And of course everyone has that someone who is just impossible to buy for.  They have everything, they need nothing, and they don’t seem to ever appreciate or use what you buy them.  Well, your troubles are over, my friend.  I give to you…the perfect gift:








Your welcome.

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