Cruising the Fair Banks of the Chena

This is the Chena River (pronounced “Chee-na”). It is NOT the Chia River. I know this because the woman in front of me kept yelling this at the person behind her because he kept singing “Ch-ch-ch-chena.”

This is the Chena River (pronounced “Chee-na”). It is NOT the Chia River. I know this because the woman in front of me kept yelling this at the person behind her who wouldn’t stop singing “Ch-ch-ch-chena.”

Through no fault of my own, I had some free time in Fairbanks this week.  If you’ve ever been to Fairbanks, you know there are exactly five things to do there: 1) Kayak down the Chena River, 2) Canoe down the Chena River, 3) Bike along the Chena River, 4) Take the Riverboat Discovery Tour along the Chena River, or 5) See a movie.  Having already done 1, 2, 3 and 5 on past visits, I elected to try out 4 even though I would likely be the only patron who hadn’t consumed a Geritol-laced Ensure for breakfast.  So, I set my commemorative Al Roker alarm clock and, after missing the morning sailing, embarked on the afternoon option.

Like all nature tours focused on education and conservation, this one starts and ends in a giant gift shop. Continue reading →

Am I Racist if I Don’t Use Colored Pencils or I Do?

Pardon my provocative controversy, but I think I have decided to ditch my mild-mannered nine-to-five job and venture into the much more lucrative racism industry.  Instigators like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson (not to mention 24-hr news channels) are pulling in some serious coinage by simply pointing out the oppressive nature of systems or depictions or incidents based entirely on race and/or the color of one’s skin.  The Rev. Al Sharpton has reportedly amassed a net worth of about $5 million by telling us how oppressed he is; Jesse Jackson, $10 million.

Not to toot my own proverbial ‘cracker-ass’ horn, but I could totally do that.  While I may lack certain qualifications like not being a ‘Reverend’ or having a love child, I do have the ability to distinguish races and colors and can point out when one is being intolerably differentiated from another. Continue reading →

Humuhumunukunukuapua’a. That’s What She Said.

In the spirit of needing more action and adventure in my blog, this week I will relay a recent incident in which I narrowly escaped death and then again defied the same death at the hands of The Queen Mother as a result of participating in the previously stated escape from said death.

So I’m hiking along this trail in the mountains just north of Honolulu…If you have ever been to Honolulu, you know what it’s like to have to get out of Honolulu and its innumerable tourists, oriental cuisine combined with Spam, and Don Ho wannabes.  I often do just that, heading out on the highway and looking for adventure by climbing around the Mauka Trail System and its fascinating array of whimsical ecosystems.  One good hike takes you from the backyards of Japanese immigrants to piney woodlands to rainy jungles to huge bamboo forests that are utterly awesome because they can really creep you out on a windy day with all their clacking and smacking and raucous bamboo clacky-smackiness. Continue reading →

Cracking Yolks About Frying Eggs

Well, we are seven inches from the midday sun here in Minnesota, which basically means that we stop rooting for global warming for a couple of days, hang out in the frozen foods section, and talk to each other about the weather without the awkwardness of feeling like we don’t really have anything meaningful to talk about.

At least it’s not stupid hot like it has been in the Southwest of These United States lately.  They have been under repeated heat warnings such that the deaths of everyone over the age of 90 are blamed on the extreme temperatures.  In fact, it has been so hot in Death Valley National Park that officials there have had to entreat visitors there to please not fry eggs on the roadside pavement.  And while I admittedly have a penchant for making stuff up, this story happens to be true.  I know this because I saw it on the internet. Continue reading →

Mr. TIM Goes to Washington

It appears that winter is finally over here in Minnesota.  You can tell because all the east-west roads are under construction.  So to recap, you can’t leave your home in the winter because of all the snow and you can’t leave your home in the summer because the infrastructure looks like the set of Transformers 6.  It’s time to move.  But where?  Based on what I’ve seen in the news lately, the natural choice is Washington.  That is, Washington State, not Washington Den of Cheekiness.

“Why is that?” you ask in dumbfounded awestruck envy.  Well, this past week Washington State passed a 475-page piece of legislation implementing state-wide gender-inclusive language, finally completing a six-year, multi-gazillion dollar effort to remove any and all societal political incorrectness and enforcing a much more inoffensive and tolerant androgyny amongst its citizenry. Continue reading →