Well, we are seven inches from the midday sun here in Minnesota, which basically means that we stop rooting for global warming for a couple of days, hang out in the frozen foods section, and talk to each other about the weather without the awkwardness of feeling like we don’t really have anything meaningful to talk about.
At least it’s not stupid hot like it has been in the Southwest of These United States lately. They have been under repeated heat warnings such that the deaths of everyone over the age of 90 are blamed on the extreme temperatures. In fact, it has been so hot in Death Valley National Park that officials there have had to entreat visitors there to please not fry eggs on the roadside pavement. And while I admittedly have a penchant for making stuff up, this story happens to be true. I know this because I saw it on the internet.
Evidently there is a certain demographic out there who thinks that going somewhere called “Death Valley” would be a fun family time of merriment and bonding—like picnicking at the foot of Mutilation Mountain or hiking through the Terminal Illness Forest. And some of these people apparently find it an uproarious hoot to sizzle undeveloped chicken embryos on the roadside shoulder while singing along with Rebecca Black (“It’s fried egg, fried egg…”) in the hopes that someone amongst their fellow species would eventually clean up their mess after they left.
What drives these people to such fowl defacement? I suppose you could call this a “Bucket List” item, but this doesn’t really help me understand because the only thing on my Bucket List is…
1) Make a Bucket List.
Some think the stratta-gy of making no sidewalk egg-frying a rule is a bit eggstreme. “Omelette ‘em fry an egg if they want to,” they say. But Death Valley rangers say it’s no yolk and point to the on-going poaching issues that are faced by many African wildlife parks as an eggsample of how quickly officials can get scrambling.
Of course, this whole situation got me conTIMplating: Are there other rules at our national parks that could potentially get the violator some tickets by the Rangers to see them play the Orioles this weekend? My research turned up a few things.
First off, rangers at Yosemite National Park are not to be called “Sam” and they discourage patrons from calling any of the wildlife “varmint” or “you crazy galloot.”
Halloween costumes are discouraged at Petrified Forest National Park for obvious reasons.
It’s not a rule, but rangers at Joshua Tree National Park are getting tired of people telling them “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”
To avoid confusion, Denali National Park does not allow GMC SUVs and Kenai Fjords only allows Chevys. It is okay to bring Burger King into the Arches.
Yellowstone National Park still insists that campers do not feed the bears and they do not use the geysers as bidets.
Due to recent changes in marijuana law, doping IS allowed at the Olympics in Washington and the Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado has exchanged names with the Smokey Mountains. John Denver songs are to reflect the change, i.e., “Smokey Mountain High (high in Colorado).”
Calling the presidents on Mt. Rushmore “Stoners” is still considered disrespectful, however. As is calling them “Stone-faced,” “Rockstars,” or in a “face-off” with Crazy Horse. Nor are you allowed to tell other patrons not to take them for granite or make jokes about them needing a bottle of “Head & Boulders” after it snows.
Rangers are also growing weary of people asking to meet Bill and Melinda at Gates Of The Arctic National Park. Also, Johnny Depp has no affiliation with Tonto National Monument, and Pamela Anderson has no connection to the Grand Tetons.
To fend off other silly questions, be advised that there are no mammoths in Mammoth Cave, Big Bend does not have a giant, four-sided clock, and the Virgin Islands did not have to change its name after a recent visit by Charlie Sheen. Also, the Little Big Horn snack bar does not serve custard.
And please know that to avoid offense, some parks have had to change their names. Badlands National Park is now Asgoodasanyoneelselands and the Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore is now the Native Americana Dunes. In honor of the president being from Hawaii, Haleakala National Park has changed its name to Yeswe Canyon.
My intent is not to coddle you, but I hope this keeps you from walking on eggshells as you visit some of our national parks this summer. Mayo have an eggcellent time.