Pardon my provocative controversy, but I think I have decided to ditch my mild-mannered nine-to-five job and venture into the much more lucrative racism industry. Instigators like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson (not to mention 24-hr news channels) are pulling in some serious coinage by simply pointing out the oppressive nature of systems or depictions or incidents based entirely on race and/or the color of one’s skin. The Rev. Al Sharpton has reportedly amassed a net worth of about $5 million by telling us how oppressed he is; Jesse Jackson, $10 million.
Not to toot my own proverbial ‘cracker-ass’ horn, but I could totally do that. While I may lack certain qualifications like not being a ‘Reverend’ or having a love child, I do have the ability to distinguish races and colors and can point out when one is being intolerably differentiated from another.
My plan is to start with laundry. We as a society are being inundated with racist laundry practices. Our backwards, unenlightened mothers have always taught us to make sure we separate out the ‘whites’ from all the other colors and wash them separately. Why? To keep them white. But it was a different time, you say. It’s just the way things were. I’m sorry, but detergent commercials still today are trying to get us to buy their wares, how? By emphasizing that their products get whites even whiter. Shameful.
Next I’m going to work on banning games; games like chess. Chess is nothing but a metaphor for racial tension: white against black and who can knock who off the board. And who always goes first? Uh-huh, white. And pool. Comedian Martin Lawrence has pointed out the racist nature of pool, where the object is to get the white ball to knock all the other colors off the table. And how do you win? By finally eliminating the black.
Games like croquet and darts are also out because the playing pieces are distinguished solely on color—as are board games like Sorry and Trouble. We can’t have little kids saying “I get to be… [such and such a color]!” because that would imply preference and variation. I suppose these games in themselves are okay, but we need to make all the pieces identical. That way everyone is the same and there are no winners or losers. Won’t that be fun?
And speaking of kids…what about the racist nature of cartoons? It has recently come to my attention that the Cartoon Network had at one time removed all Speedy Gonzales cartoons because they depict racial stereotypes (until his return was demanded by…um, Hispanics). Nice try, Cartoon Network! Good on ya. We can’t have people thinking that Mexicans are fast and clever.
And there are other characters in Speedy cartoons who could be seen as racially charged—like Speedy’s Mexican cousin, Slowpoke Rodriguez, who packs a .44 Magnum (presumably acquired from the US Department of Justice) for the sole purpose of shooting Sylvester the cat, who is black.
But no mention has been made of characters like Pepe Le Pew who depicts the French as malodorous sexual harassers. Or Porky Pig, Donald Duck, and Foghorn Leghorn—all white guys with speech impediments who refuse to wear pants. Really cartoon makers? That’s what white people look like to you? And don’t even get me started on Fat Albert, Mr. Magoo, and Hong Kong Phooey.
And not just cartoons, but prime-time TV shows need to be eliminated as well. TV shows are always depicting people of various races saying things and doing stuff that might lead to inaccurate stereotypes. Shows like Seinfeld for example, hatefully depict Jews as wise-cracking, tennis-shoe wearing cereal eaters and whites as scatter-brained hipster existentialists. Or shows like LOST that odiously depict Asians as fish-eating, gardening adulterers and bald guys as evil, immortal smoke-monsters. After seeing a show like that, what’s to stop my kids from running in terror from the follicly-challenged?
And movies. We should probably eliminate movies. They quite often depict people saying things and doing stuff. And the internet. And blogs. Hey! I think I’m on to something…Maybe I could start by using my own blog to rail against my own blog. Surely there’s got to be a way to make money by driving myself out of business. Conservative politicians do it all the time.
So…Stop reading my blog! I am of a certain race! Pay no attention! Before you know it, you’ll start thinking that all middle-aged white guys are outraged over nothing and make lame puns!
And while I honestly don’t hate any race I fully admit that anything over a 5k gets me pretty worked up—unless it’s a Thai.