It appears that winter is finally over here in Minnesota. You can tell because all the east-west roads are under construction. So to recap, you can’t leave your home in the winter because of all the snow and you can’t leave your home in the summer because the infrastructure looks like the set of Transformers 6. It’s time to move. But where? Based on what I’ve seen in the news lately, the natural choice is Washington. That is, Washington State, not Washington Den of Cheekiness.
“Why is that?” you ask in dumbfounded awestruck envy. Well, this past week Washington State passed a 475-page piece of legislation implementing state-wide gender-inclusive language, finally completing a six-year, multi-gazillion dollar effort to remove any and all societal political incorrectness and enforcing a much more inoffensive and tolerant androgyny amongst its citizenry.
“So why move there?” you ask in envious awestruck dumbfoundedness. The reasoning is elementary. It is obvious that Washington State is such a social utopia that legislators can concern themselves with these hard-hitting language issues instead of wasting time and money on problems like crime, poverty, education, infrastructure, job creation and balancing the budget like all these other crazy states are doing. Who wouldn’t want to live there?
Some examples of the required changes in free speech include replacing the terms ‘Freshman’ with ‘First-year student,’ ‘Clergyman’ with ‘Clergy,’ and ‘Watchman’ with ‘Security Guard.’ School subjects have also changed. ‘Penmanship’ is now ‘Hand-writing,’ ‘History’ is now ‘Theirstory,’ and ‘Health’ is now ‘S/Health.”
Fireplace ‘mantles’ are now ‘s/hearths,’ instructional ‘manuals’ are now ‘guidebooks’ and all future birthdays are to be celebrated with ‘s/helium’ balloons. All local Mensa chapters have been eliminated, the show Madmen has been cancelled, and Manny Ramirez is no longer allowed to play at Safeco Field.
All mail delivery has been stopped, as have all military maneuvers and broadcasts of Seinfeld reruns that include or refer to the Mandelbaums. People of Romanian descent are to be immediately deported and Seahawk Will Blackmon is to be traded back to Green Bay. Air travel through the renamed SheTac Airport can no longer include direct flights to or from Manchester, Bozeman, Boise, The Cayman Islands, Ciudad, Mexico, or the Himalayas.
Parents are no longer allowed to enforce manners, stores mannequins are right out, and Jews may speak only in S/Hebrew. The ‘demands’ of kidnappers and/or blackmailers will only be met if they are called a list of ‘denongenderspecifics.’ Also, blackmailers are not even called ‘blackmailers’ anymore but ‘nonraciallychargedtransgenderers.’ And speaking of crime, Batman is to be called ‘Batindividual’ and Robin is now ‘The Hermaphrodite Wonder.’
Boyz II Men cannot perform there. Neither can Tracy Chapman or Mannheim Steamroller or Manhattan Transfer or Dem-he Lovato. Barry Manilow can perform there if s/he just goes by ‘Barry,’ but s/he is not allowed to sing “Mandy.” All future Mr. Mister concerts are cancelled. Justin Bieb-her is okay.
From now on, July 4th is to be celebrated using Ro candles, Sleeping Beauty’s nemesis is to be referred to as ‘Femaleficent,’ and churchgoers are only allowed to sing praise choruses. Celebration of Father’s Day is now illegal, as are senior discounts for Hispanics.
Actresses Diane, Cheryl, and Jordan Ladd must change their last name, and the Washington cities of Everson, Stevenson, and Pullman officially no longer exist. Manufacturing in the state is not an issue, as it has been sent to China in a previous bill.
To avoid further possible offense, Men’s Health magazine, urinals, and Grecian Formula are all banned. Women will hereafter be called ‘wopersons’—at least until they realize that the word ‘perSON’ is also discriminatory and hateful. Be that as it may, wopersons are no longer allowed to menstruate, and henceforth shall to be referred to as ‘irritable’ instead of ‘testy.’
When delivering babies, doctors are only allowed to announce “It’s a girl!” or “It’s not a girl!” under penalty of law, though nobody is sure what the penalty is because this bill also eliminates the State Penal Code.
Yep. We’re movin’ alright. These new laws can only be doubleplusgood. All that remains is to decide if we want to live in S/helton, TacoMa, or VancouvHer.