Category Archives: Water Buffalo Intestines

What’s in the gnus

It’s an Ill Wind that Blows No Good

Right now I’m so fed up that I gained 7 pounds and I’m about to organize a political boycott of Hannibal, Missouri, a river town in Missouri named after founder Anthony Hopkins.  Sure I’ve never actually been there, but if I ever find myself having to go from Moberly to Pittsfield, I will certainly give Hannibal a wide berth and cross the Mississippi from Missouri to Illinois at Louisiana, even though that doesn’t make any sense.

According to news reports, a man entered the Hannibal city hall to conduct official business and several of the staff therein called 911—not just one or two, mind you, but several—because the individual in question had a “severe stinkiness” about him.  In short, B.O.  And I’m not talking about the Monopoly railroad. Continue reading →

Of All the Words We Should Ban…Really?

So the latest word we can’t use for females is the ‘b’ word.  No, not that ‘b’ word; that one is still okay.  The other one.  ‘Bossy.’  Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg (no relation to Andy Samberg) has started a campaign to ban the word ‘bossy’ from our absurdly language-dependent culture.  She claims that the adjective discourages girls from pursuing leadership rolls wherein they can actually be bossy and tell people what words they can and cannot use.

If you ask me, which nobody does for obvious reasons, this whole thing is kind of like the anti-bullying movement that is bullying us into not bullying or congresspersons staying up all night and burning the midnight oil to tell us to stop using so much energy or Al Gore flying around in his private jet to get us to reduce our carbon emissions or Al Sharpton making $5 million a year by telling us how oppressed he is or….You get the idea: we are being bossed into banning ‘bossy’.

Continue reading →

You Kraine, I Kraine, We All Kraine for Ukraine

Given that my primer on last summer’s Syria situation was one of my most popular posts and yet least liked, I thought I would seek to keep my readers misinformed as to what is going on with the whole Ukrainian geopolitical crisis that is so dominating the first five or six minutes of American newscasts these days.  (And just so you know, I will attempt to do so without any obvious lame jokes mentioning that Ukrainian pipelines supply Russian natural gas to Europe; that is, that the primary Ukrainian industry is passing gas.)

Just so there’s no misunderstanding, when I say ‘geopolitical’ I mean it in the classical sense: that is, ‘geo’ as in ‘small Chevy’ and ‘political’ as in ‘what everyone hates more than aspic.’  And when we apply this term to the Ukrainian crisis, we get more confusion than a 2000 Dade County ballot.  This is because nobody knows exactly what is going on due to a decided preference for beer.

As you can see from the map below, Continue reading →

Finally: Race Equality in Wisconsin

Despite all the prejudiced ignorant bigotry, it looks like we’re finally going to get some equal rights here in the Midwest. There is a group that has been discriminated against for some time now, tirelessly fighting for acceptance as they and their activities were being called everything from ‘illegal’ to ‘immoral’ to ‘yellow’. This week they are finally going to get their due and be recognized as legitimate, thanks to the forward-thinking and open-minded Wisconsin legislature, who have joined other states in their forbearing tolerance—my very own Minnesota among them.

Yes, amongst all the controversial talk about discrimination and the questions about moral decency, the Wisconsin legislature has finally stopped bickering about stupid time-wasting issues like state deficits, infrastructure, and unemployment and focused on something that its citizenry actually cares about: race. Specifically, the annual rubber duck race held in the city of Mishicot. Continue reading →

Save the Animals! Ban Environmentalists!

I remember as a kid listening to ‘Animal Stories,’ a regular feature on WLS Radio in Chicago whereon two DJs known as ‘Uncle Larry’ and ‘Li’l Snot-nosed Tommy’ would bring all the low-information voters up-to-date on actual happenings in and around the monarchial animal kingdom.  Usually, said stories consisted of how a certain animal came to meet its unfortunate and untimely death in a bizarrely humorous and/or particularly grisly manner.

For example, Uncle Larry might tell Li’l Tommy about how the key to the city was given to a cat for saving its owner’s life then at the ceremony, the cat scratches the mayor as it is being held up to the crowd and in painful surprise is subsequently dropped into an operating wood chipper; or maybe how a black bear was shot by a neighborhood-watching brown bear who was reported on the news as being a polar bear further fomenting the whole bear-relations situation to where it was unbearable. Continue reading →