This week I am going to do my readers a disservice and dabble in the very world of international intrigue that everyone is talking about these days except the media, who in their defense, is pretty focused on bringing us anything and everything about Miley Cyrus right now. The Washington Post has put out a couple of articles about Egypt and Syria entitled “9 Questions About [one of the afore mentioned countries] You Were Too Embarrassed to Ask” which have been popular and informative and are to be commended for their intricate simplicity. And so I thought to myself, “Who am I to not steal such a good idea? After all, I am as uniquely qualified to dabble in international affairs as anyone, as I have been receiving International Male catalogs for years now.”
The result is the following: a conTIMplating version of
9 Questions About Syria You Were Too Embarrassed to Ask Because You Haven’t Read The Washington Post Article
1. What is Syria?
According to my research, Syria is NOT an app for your iPhone, NOR is it a breakfast food manufactured in Battle Creek, MI. You are confusing it with “Siri” and “Breakfast Syria,” respectively. Syria is a country about the size of Oregon who, if they had a football team would probably not be as good as Oregon but would likely have a much more intimidating mascot than say, a duck. Demographically, Syrians are quite diverse, with a majority being Sunnis of Arab descent. They like a sense of humor, playing volleyball, and long walks in the rain.
2. What is going on there and why do we care?
That’s actually two questions, but okay. Like most countries whose borders have been arbitrarily drawn by European colonial powers, the people groups within the borders of Syria take pleasure in beating the living crap out of each other. They are thus involved in a great civil war wherein they are killing each other in ways that are entirely inappropriate and are being entreated by the international community to please kill each other in a much more civilized manner.
The reason America is involved is because back in 2012, President Bush—I mean—Obama said that if weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) were used, then we Americans would have no choice but to step in and blow things up because the UN is too busy ordering lunch or something. Well, lo and behold, chemical weapons were apparently used by Syrian government forces against the rebels and so President Bush—I mean—Obama said okay, we have convincing evidence of WMDs and need to strike. He then sought international support but didn’t get it. And so President Bush—I mean—Obama said okay, we don’t need international support and threatened to strike unilaterally. But this was not a popular idea, so President Bush—I mean—Obama sought approval for the strike from Congress in order to more effectively place blame on someone else, but they haven’t voted yet because they are seeking more information about a big video poker tournament. President Bush—I mean—Obama has assured us that this would be a limited, long-range, targeted strike with “no boots on the ground.” This statement was to save face with the American people, who are familiar with the song,
Boots on the ground
Boots on the ground
Lookin’ like a fool with your
Boots on the ground.
Secretary of State John Kerry has also downplayed potential US involvement, saying things like,
“There is no military solution and we have no illusions about that.”
“We’re not talking about war. We are not going to war. That is exactly what we are talking about doing; an unbelievably small, limited kind of effort.”
which has certain bloggers asking questions like,
“If there is no military solution, why is our solution to use the military?”
“So…the most effective act of war in this case is not an act of war, but a military strike that is so limited, ‘so unbelievably small,’ that it accomplishes nothing?”
“Dude, what is up with your face?”
3. What’s up with John Kerry’s face?
While denying having undergone plastic surgery, John Kerry has rather suddenly become much younger looking and his skin suspiciously starched. His face is rounder and more full and puffy—as if he has gone eight rounds with Mayweather or overdosed on injections of Botox or collagen or, in his case, ketchup. Below are two photographs, before and after. You be the judge.
4. What is the proposed solution?
Haha! That is kind of a funny story. You see, Secretary Kerry made an off-the-cuff remark at a press conference a few days ago in response to a question of how Syria could possibly avoid the fearsome, “unbelievably small, limited” wrath of United States. He said that if Syrian President Assad would hand over his chemical weapons to the international community, there would be no reason to strike. The only problem is that nobody bothered to ask President Assad! Doh! So the Russians stepped in and asked and are now the hero for finding a supposed diplomatic solution that will prevent a Nobel Peace Prize winner from having to launch a bunch of missiles and start World War III. Haha! That is funny. Oh, the irony. I can’t stop slapping my knee and pretending it is my duly elected leadership.
5. Has John Kerry said anything else stupid?
Yes. He said this:
“What does he offer? Words that are contradicted by facts and he doesn’t have a very strong record with respect to this question of credibility… This is a man without credibility. And so I will happily stand anywhere in the world with the evidence we have against his words and his deception and his acts.”
Admittedly, this statement itself is not stupid. The problem is that no one can be quite sure if he was talking about al-Assad, Putin, or Obama, all of whom need to be trusted for this proposal to work.
6. Where exactly is Syria?
It’s in the Middle East.
7. Why is it such a bad idea to get involved in Syria?
It’s in the Middle East.
8. What exactly does this have to do with Miley Cyrus?
Last week it was reported that your average American citizen was 12 times more likely to read a story about Miley Cyrus (whose tongue is also about the size of Oregon) than their country’s possible no-win involvement in the Syrian civil war. This has a number of religious groups rightly convinced that the apocalypse is indeed upon us.
9. You seem very wise in the ways of the world and can probably answer any question I throw at you. Have you seen my keys?
Not on this page, sorry.