Despite all the prejudiced ignorant bigotry, it looks like we’re finally going to get some equal rights here in the Midwest. There is a group that has been discriminated against for some time now, tirelessly fighting for acceptance as they and their activities were being called everything from ‘illegal’ to ‘immoral’ to ‘yellow’. This week they are finally going to get their due and be recognized as legitimate, thanks to the forward-thinking and open-minded Wisconsin legislature, who have joined other states in their forbearing tolerance—my very own Minnesota among them.
Yes, amongst all the controversial talk about discrimination and the questions about moral decency, the Wisconsin legislature has finally stopped bickering about stupid time-wasting issues like state deficits, infrastructure, and unemployment and focused on something that its citizenry actually cares about: race. Specifically, the annual rubber duck race held in the city of Mishicot.
It all stems from the very hateful and duckophobic Wisconsin Department of Justice and their stand that Mishicot’s annual rubber duck race amounts to little more than a fowl and illegal gambling ring wherein the local town folk (including the children!) are exposed to some of your more seedy elements of localized fun and community-building. Often used as a fundraiser, how rubber duck racing works is rubber ducks with numbers written on their private places are floated down a river. Participants purchase a ticket that corresponds with a particular duck and the winner of the cash is the holder of the first duck to float across the finish line (itself a vile and abusive term as it mocks and discriminates against the sensitivities of the minority Mishicot Finnish-American population).
Not only was Mishicot in danger of having to cancel their annual duck race, but also in the roasting pan with a tasty al ’orange sauce was the “Ducktona 500” in Sheboygan Falls and the “Lucky Ducky Derby” in Menomonee Falls—until the legislature stepped in, that is. They stood tall to stop the insanity and officially legalized race equality. The bill is expected to be signed by Governor Walker next week.
You remember Governor Walker; he’s the one who got into a whole hullabaloo a couple years ago for callously trying to get state employees to contribute to their own retirement and healthcare costs—much like those in the private sector who pay their salaries do. He is so selfish. (And he is again seated in the hotseat this week because a bunch of emails from one of his former cronies convicted of wrongdoing were released and, as a result, the unflagging press uncovered that much like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, Walker is a Republican. Which begs the question: When will Republicans learn to stop using email? But I digress. Hence the parentheses.)
The only danger now is to somehow, someway prevent the ducks from randomly exploding, as happened in Taiwan last New Year’s. As the Taiwanese are wont to do, a giant 60-foot rubber duck was to be the prominent feature of the midnight countdown in the city of Keelung last month. Tragically and inexplicably, it exploded midday. Three people were hospitalized with neoprene fois gras injuries. Suspected are Chinese Nationals claiming that January 1st is not the real New Year’s.
Below is the actual video of the incident, so you be the judge. Be warned: it contains raw footage and could cause psychological trauma should you be a muppet named Ernie.
Notice the uncontrolled panic in the streets by the ever-emotional Taiwanese people.
Irregardless of whether or not ‘irregarless’ is a word, the people of Mishicot haven’t been this happy since they found out Wang Chung was a verb, for it puts their annual public celebratory rubber duck festival on the same legitimately legal level as
bake sales and cow pie bingo.
What?! Never heard of cow pie bingo? Well, it’s all the rage these days since bake sales have become illegal in 14 states due to their proclivity toward causing obesity and endangering the low-information voter pool by getting neighbors to actually talk to one another.
How cow pie bingo works is you take a giant field and paint a bunch of numbered squares on it, like this:
Participants then purchase a number corresponding to a square after which a freshly fed cow is released onto the field. I’m sure you can surmise the rest: the winner of the pot is the holder of the square upon which Bessie most causes global warming. While obviously cruel and exploitive of Bovine-Americans, this activity has an advantage over rubber duck races in that 1) uncollected game pieces are entirely biodegradable, and b) said game pieces are not in danger of exploding.
Or are they?
Anyway, congratulations Mishicot! I hope your victory goes a long way toward forgetting your name sounds like a fruity Eastern European dessert. “Have you tried the mishicot? It’s delicious.”