Yes Virginia, There Is a Special Place in Hell

So…Madeleine Albright.  You remember her; she was a secretary by profession and was in charge of all that crazy inaction during the Bosnian and Rwandan genocides of the 90s.  Well, she was back in the news last week for improvised philosophizing, saying–and I quote: “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other.”  This was shouted during a heated and emotionally imprudent campaign moment in New Hampshire in an attempt to garner primary votes—for Carly Fiorina, I think.  But this post is not about Madeleine Albright.

What got me conTIMplating was what she said during that moment of impassioned and impulsive stupidity.  Her foolhardy fervency sparked in me a recollected memory from my historical past of a bygone era, and I suddenly came to understand a comprehending realization:  I think I know what that special place in hell is.  No, it’s not watching The View, but close.

Think about it: Continue reading

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Is Donald Trump Comparable to Jesus? Yes. Yes He Is.

If there is one thing this highly entertaining and yet disturbing political season in America has taught me, it’s that Donald Trump is pretty much just like Jesus.  And Martin Luther King of course, but mostly Jesus.  I got this information from a mister Jerry Falwell, Jr. who is a reverend and so obviously knows what he’s talking about.  You know Jerry, I’m sure.  He is president of the ironically named ‘Liberty’ University, known for its rather lengthy and comprehensive list of student restrictions.

He is also the son of the very postmortem Jerry Falwell, Sr., coincidentally of the same name and who also had a penchant for comparing people to Jesus, which proves once and for all that comical hyperbolic comparisons are hereditary.  For example, Continue reading

#OscarsSoNotMe

So I’ve decided to boycott the Oscars this year. I categorically am stating to you, the reader, and all the world for that matter, this simple fact: I will not be attending next month’s Academy Awards. (Excuse me for a moment…GMA is about to call.) The primary reason, of course, is that I was not invited. Again. Plus I am somewhat disgusted by their egoistic self-congratulatory nature. And once the opening monologue is over, they are about as interesting as C-SPAN at 2 a.m. after a couple doses of NyQuil. But those are only the main reasons.

The host of secondary reasons I will be shunning the seemingly unshunnable include the fact that the extensive list of nominees is about as diverse as a Northern Wisconsin deer camp. Scanning the list, I almost feel as if I am not welcome into the community. Nowhere is there anyone who looks like me. Nowhere is there a Continue reading

We Need a Zero-Tolerance Zero-Tolerance Policy

OK, so I was on Facebook this week and couldn’t help but notice that all the ice buckets have been replaced with enough first-day-of-school photos that I’m actually beginning to miss cat pictures.  This can only mean one thing:  ‘Tis that special season when everyone under the age of 18 has a permanent shoulder slump and every one of their parents is high-fiving and rediscovering the lunch date.  ‘Back to School’ ain’t just a sale at Wal-Mart.

I look forward to this TIMe of year, not only for the lunch dates, but because I get to read all about the zero-tolerant administrators and their vigorous tolerance for zero-tolerance policies, which has them doling out more suspensions than a bridge-builder because at some point along their 100k graduate education they found that teaching rules is easier than teaching character.  Perhaps you are familiar with the famous ‘Pop-Tart gun’ incident I wrote about here.  Turns out this incident is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce wedge. With bacon bits.  And bleu cheese crumbles.

For example, Continue reading

Am I Racist if My School Only Has Two Colors?

SCOTUS is at it again.  For the record, SCOTUS is not some form of severe athlete’s foot as it sounds like it should be, but rather is hipster journalist talk for Supreme Court Of The United States.

“Why does he walk so funny?”

“He has SCOTUS.”

“Oh, Bless his heart.”

Last Tuesday, in a 3-2-1-2-recuse decision, SCOTUS upheld the right of states to ban racial preferences in university admissions, which derives from the great state of Michigan where voters had the nerve to say melanin should not outweigh academic ability or commitment when determining which individuals to allow into their various taxpayer-supported schools.  And which incidentally has ruined my chances at becoming a lawyer, thankyouverymuch, as I was totally going to go to the University of Michigan Law School.  And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.  Thanks a lot, SCOTUS.

In the racially sensitive words of Ricky Ricardo, let me ‘splain: Continue reading