Author Archives: contimplating.com

Last Week’s Minnesota Tragedy (No, The Other One)

So unless you are under a rock or that’s just how you roll, you have probably heard about the passing of the very revolutionary Prince Rodgers Nelson, the latest music icon to be snatched from past the prime of his career due to a presumed overdose of prescription drugs and/or Geritol which has everyone puzzled as to how the heck Keith Richards keeps plugging along.  Prince’s untimely death has resulted in everything here in Minnesota being temporarily draped in purple from the state capitol to Harold’s crayon and has its citizens asking the question, “Is there such a thing as a timely death?”

Unfortunately, this news story has overshadowed the real tragedy that happened here in Minnesota last week that you probably didn’t hear about:  The driver of a semi full of meat products blacked out and hit the center median wall of Interstate 494, shearing off the side of the trailer and spilling the truck’s carnivore-craving contents all over the roadway.  The incident happened during prime rush hour and needless to say, traffic ground to a halt as a major artery was clogged.  While the situation has since been wrapped up and there were no injuries, there are reportedly still missing links. Continue reading →

This Post Is Over The Top!

There have been great debates throughout history that have often resulted in shouting matches or fisticuffs or shooting wars such as East v. West, Democrat v. Republican, Protestant v. Catholic, La Niña v. El Niño, The ’97 Bulls v. Ditka; the list goes on and on.  These conflicts are not only dangerous to talk about at full volume in a restaurant, but have come to define us as a civilization who whispers in restaurants.  Butt there is one debate that has divided us such that it is worthy of an extra ‘t’ in ‘but’: that of the Over v. Under dispute with regards to toilet tissue dispensing.

Studies show that a vast majority of users (roughly 70%) are reasonable and right-minded as they prefer their tissue to come over the top of the roll.  If this percentage were to vote one-sidedly in a presidential primary, they would be the ones considered to have ‘stolen’ the election.  The remainder, for some illogical and completely insane reason, prefer to reach behind and underneath for their squares, rapping their germ-infested knuckles along the wall where they conveniently leave their diseased putrescence for future patrons.  These people are thus referred to as Continue reading →

The Only Things Taboo Anymore Are Taboos

Don’t talk about religion, they say.  Don’t talk about politics, they say.  These are no-nos,  taboos, conversation killers.  Pssh.   Whatever.  What else is there to talk about?   There’s no reason we can’t be honest with each other, is there?  Especially on social media.  I’m always converting my so-called friends to my complex political and religious views using 140 characters or less.

Last week I wrote a piece about religion and politics and it has turned out to be the most popular post to ever grace this webtronic page of haphazard electro-bemusement.  So I got to conTIMplating… What other forbidden topics could I write about that people normally shy away from that would consequently send my readership through the roof?  What else are we supposed to remain silent about that would get everybody talking?  I came up with a few ideas…

A big one of course, is Continue reading →

The Easter Story… As Told by Mr. Donald J. Trump

It’s an on-going Easter-week tradition here at conTIMplating that I present the Easter story in various translative forms to do my best in helping contemporary peoples relate to the ancient and sometimes confusing biblical text.  This year, noticing that a number of people are trading in their Easter bonnets and accompanying frills for a very spring-like red, Chinese-manufactured “Make America Great Again” baseball cap, I decided to reprint this year’s story from the New American Trump Version (NATV).  My apologies for its length, but…you know, it’s not my fault.  So grab yourself a traditional Easter passion-fruit and settle in to read this, the holiest of stories, from the very innumerate Gospel of The Donald… Continue reading →

What If Your College Is ON Jupiter?

My second eldest daughter, Thing 2, graduates high-school this spring whereupon accolades for successfully making it through the simplest part of life will no doubt be generously bestowed upon her.  After that comes…well, therein lies the proverbial and axiomatic rub.  College seems to be all the rage these days for young high-school graduates so I suppose in order to avoid rocking the cultural and aphoristic boat, college is where we will probably send her.

But we are of course concerned.  Concerned that she will make good decisions.  Concerned for her safety.  But most of all concerned that once she gets out into the real world she might get her feelings hurt.  This is why we have scoured the finest of educational institutions in search of the one most likely to protect her from those nasty microagressions of self-expression that are bound to emotionally scar her and render her unable to function due to a general feeling of victimizing disagreement.

Looking around, we liked Continue reading →