It’s an on-going Easter-week tradition here at conTIMplating that I present the Easter story in various translative forms to do my best in helping contemporary peoples relate to the ancient and sometimes confusing biblical text. This year, noticing that a number of people are trading in their Easter bonnets and accompanying frills for a very spring-like red, Chinese-manufactured “Make America Great Again” baseball cap, I decided to reprint this year’s story from the New American Trump Version (NATV). My apologies for its length, but…you know, it’s not my fault. So grab yourself a traditional Easter passion-fruit and settle in to read this, the holiest of stories, from the very innumerate Gospel of The Donald…
Σunday. Early Sunday. I love Sundays. Love them. No better Sabbath than a Sunday. You know, I love Israel and the Jews and Saturdays—and the Seventh Day Adventists—but wow, what a great day. An amazing, amazing day. Thank you. So on Sunday a couple of Marys—more than one Mary, a couple of different Marys…like they couldn’t come up with a different name than ‘Mary’—or were afraid to—but I wouldn’t be afraid. I’d name everyone Mary if they wanted. But they went to the tomb, these Marys, one Mary and another one went to the tomb, you know, the tomb where they had buried Jesus, the Messiah, a couple of days before. What a great name, Mary. Mary Steenburgen is one. Married to Ted Danson. Great hair. I have like, three cousins named Mary. And a secretary. What wonderful people. And what a great name. You know why I love Sundays? There’s football, there’s church, there’s—I’m a Presbyterian, by the way. Very proud of that. Very proud. Raised… There’s no better Presbyterian than me. Very traditional. My—sometimes we just… And it’s Sunday and these Marys go to the tomb—there were probably more women than just the Marys—Joanna maybe, maybe a couple of others…who knows? It doesn’t matter. Can you tell me? But mostly Marys. So they’re all at this tomb early in the morning, which is a great tomb. I mean, it’s for the Messiah, right? Had to be a great tomb. I mean it’s Joseph’s tomb and he gave it to him, but who wouldn’t want a great tomb if you’re the Messiah? Love the Messiah. I would have been a great Messiah. And I would have had a great tomb, I can tell you that. No Chinese-made tomb for me, that’s for sure. Hey, I’m not saying the Chinese are stupid. I like China. I sell apartments for—I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China. Am I supposed to dislike them? I love China. The biggest bank in the world is from China. So there’s this stone by the tomb and it’s rolled away—a huge stone, a giant, huge stone is rolled…bigger than—I mean not so big I couldn’t move it; I’m a great stone mover. Nobody can move a better stone than me. I move stones, am I right? And I’m gonna move some stones! But this stone—and the tomb is open, right? Because, you know…an earthquake. And the earth shook and the guards are all just laying there. Like dead men. Scared to death. Really, really scared. Anybody could just walk right up to the tomb. You know what they should have had? They should have had a wall. The guards wouldn’t have mattered if they had built a wall around the tomb. How stupid were they? You wouldn’t even have needed guards because a wall would—but they were dead anyway and so what good were they? Or like dead. That’s how stupid they were. They were some lousy guards. I love guards, believe me. But not these guards. But this angel was a real tough guy. And he sent an earthquake and the earth shook, because that’s, you know, what earthquakes do: they shake. Like a polaroid. The earth was shaking back and forth and the women were like, “The earth is shaking so…‘bad’ right now—I can’t believe how bad this earth is shaking; really, really bad. Amazing.” And the angel says to them—a white angel, by the way. Very white. He’s an angel and his clothes are very white. Because he’s an angel, right? But you know what? I’m white, too. Nobody is whiter than me. Nobody. I could buy the color white if I wanted to. And this angel is talking to these women, these Marys, early Sunday morning—it’s still dark, I think, and he tells them, “He’s not here, you know—Jesus, the Messiah, has risen from the dead. Rose right up.” Love roses. How do you not love roses? I give roses to my wife every day. And you should, too. Of course, I can afford it. “But he’s not here.” And they were scared. And he told them, “Don’t be scared.” But they were scared. Who wouldn’t be scared? I would be scared. It’s an earthquake, right? Shaking all around, the stone is rolling. Nobody would be scareder than me. Except I wouldn’t be that scared. Wow. What a fantastic story. And so they ran to tell the disciples, their friends, Peter and John, two of Jesus’ followers. Can I call them that? Followers? You know, Peter’s name was also Simon, which is a great name. There’s a video game named Simon; I love it—well, not a video game but electronic. It beeps and you push buttons with colors and everything; “beep, beep, boop.” Nobody can beat me at that game. You know I own about twenty percent of Hasbro…and some other things. What a great game. Simon. And so the Marys, you know, told them—John and Beep Boop Simon—about the angel and the earthquake and the stone and everything…they told them. They did. Thank you. And they said, “We can’t find Jesus! He’s gone. Not in the tomb. Where could he be? Do you know?” And do you know what they did? You know what those two disciples did? They ran. They ran fast. Right to the tomb. Faster than any of my opponents. John was much faster than Peter. There’s too much—it’s like—it’s like take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team. That’s the difference between John’s running and Peter’s running. It’s that—and I can run faster than John. I’ll race anybody. I’m not afraid to race anybody. I will never be in a bicycle race, though. That I can tell you. And so they run to this tomb where Jesus was buried. So exciting. And they get to this tomb and John looks in. He was there first because Peter was so. Slow. But he doesn’t go in, he just looks. Why doesn’t he go in? I don’t know. It’s like trading with China: he can’t go in. People say, “Oh, you don’t like China?” No, I love them. Ask Boeing. But why can’t he go in? But then Peter, he does more than look. He goes straight into the tomb: BAM! Right in. Doesn’t hesitate, just goes in. Like a—definitely not afraid to…I love Peter. Peter is a great guy. He’s slow, but a fantastic guy. We need more Peters. Did not deserve what he got, with that upside down crucifixion and everything. You gotta respect Peter. A real leader. Tremendous, tremendous leader. We have leaders who don’t have a clue. But Peter? Peter goes in the tomb and do you know what he sees? He sees the burial cloths, like rags. They were linen. Fantastic cloths. Very, very fine cloths. And they’re just sitting there: the head cloth, the body cloth…in the tomb. Separate, like…I love linen. It’s the best material. Great material. Very soft. And now finally John goes in the tomb and he sees the linens too. And loves them. You can’t get a better material than linen. How do you think the shroud of Turin has lasted this long? I have about 3000 shirts made of linen. So comfortable. Other material is crap. I would cover the entire world in linen. But he sees the linen there and he believes. And do you know why? Linen can do that. And by the way, I’m not even saying that in a—that’s the kind of mindset, that’s the kind of thinking you need for this country. We need that thinking. We have the opposite thinking. We have losers. We have losers. Jesus isn’t there and John believes after seeing the linen. And that’s it. That’s it. They went back to where they were staying. But that’s not it. Because Mary was still hanging around outside the tomb. Everyone goes back, but Mary is still there. Maybe some other women were still there—because it’s a great tomb—I don’t know which Mary; one of the Marys. Maybe another. There are so many Marys. And she’s outside the tomb and she’s crying. Because that’s what women do: they cry. I cherish women. But they could never beat ISIS. That’s one thing about me: I don’t cry. You come after me, I’ll—from the time I was twelve… Isn’t this a great story? And so Mary is crying and she looks in the tomb and there are more angels! Wow. It’s fantastic. Love this story. And these angels are sitting where Jesus was by the linen—where his body was, one by the head and one by the foot—and she’s crying. And they’re white and there’s linen…and they ask her, “Why”—you gotta love angels; all white and bringing earthquakes…And they ask her, “Why are you crying?” Because Mary is crying, right? And she says “They’ve taken my Lord away,” meaning Jesus—Jesus was her Lord and they took him away—or she thought they did. Little did she know… and she didn’t—he wasn’t in the tomb. And she cried. She thinks Lara Croft came and raided the tomb. You know, a Tomb Raider. That Angelina Jolie is something, isn’t she? You know, I met her once at a benefit and…a good friend. A great, great friend. An amazing friend, Angelina. Does some very good work. And I don’t even find her that attractive. But she’s crying and she turns around…and she sees Jesus standing there—only she doesn’t realize it was Jesus. I don’t know why. She thinks he’s the gardener, you know, the guy who takes care of the tombs—who we need, by the way. We need gardeners. They help make America great. Where would we be without gardeners? We’d all be like Matt Damon. We’d be like Matt Damon on Mars growing crops in our own excrement. Matt texted me just the other day. Great guy. So we need gardeners. Let me tell you, I own a lot of property… And so Jesus asks her too, “Why are you crying? You’re here outside the tomb crying and why are you crying?” So there’s angels…and Jesus…and he says, “Who are your looking for? You’re here crying; why are you crying?” And she’s all “Boo hoo hoo, if you’ve taken him away tell me where and I’ll go get him,” crying the whole time. So weak. Really embarrassing. But then Jesus says to her, “Mary.” That’s all he says: “Mary.” He just—it’s not like half the people back then weren’t named ‘Mary’…I mean you could have called out the name ‘Mary’ and half of Jerusalem would have come running. You ever been to Jerusalem? I’ll tell you, I’ve been to Jerusalem many, many times. They love me there. I—the Temple Mount is in Jerusalem. A great, great city. Of course there’s a mosque on it now, but that’s what happens when you, you know—but still, a great city. A lot of Jews. A lot. We have a great relationship. But they’re all named ‘Mary.’ And Jesus says, “Mary” and she recognizes him, actually turns to look at him now because he knew her name and she sees that it’s Jesus. And she recognizes him and cries out, “Rabboni!” That’s Aramaic: “Rabboni!” Not Greek. Although all Aramaic is Greek to me. I can’t speak Aramaic—although I could. I’d be a great Aramaic speaker. I just don’t. Not good business. You ever go into a shop or a store and they greet you in Aramaic? No place. I own shops, I own stores. And you know what ‘Rabboni’ means? Teacher. ‘Rabboni’ means ‘teacher.’ So Mary is calling Jesus ‘teacher.’ Fabulous. Thank you. I’m very rich. Very, very rich. And so Jesus tells her—because he is a teacher, you know. He taught people. Still today, he teaches people. He was a great teacher; a rabboni, like a rabbi. Jewish. Lot of Jews in Jerusalem at that time. So Jesus tells her, “Go tell my brothers”—not his real brothers, right? But his disciples; his followers, who he calls brothers. It’s like what? A metaphor. I mean, James was his brother—half-brother—but he wasn’t a disciple, was he? Love the disciples. Great people. Very, very fine people. And he says, “Go tell my brothers to meet me in Galilee.” And so she did. She did. She told the disciples she had seen Jesus. Very exciting. One of those things you never forget, seeing a risen Lord. And so she told them that—about seeing the Lord. “I’ve seen Him!” she says. To the disciples. And a bunch of other people, but first the disciples. Because, you know—and you know the rest. And so to sum up, a great story. A great story. Really, really, very—here’s another great story—stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Two Corinthians walk into a bar…
Happy Easter, everybody!
PS–Read from the above mentioned and previously posted ATSV, that is, the American Teen Slang Version or NASPCT, the New American Standard Politically Correct Translation by clicking on the appropriate special Easter lynx located in this sentence.
Well done. 🙂 You’ve certainly got his cadence down. The blithering, pompous idiot.
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I’ve been to Jerusalem many, many times…they love me there. Hahaha…..well done.
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When will you finish the story – great story by the way, really great story, but I gotta know – everyone wants to know, like everyone I talked to, and I talked to many many people about this – what happened to the two Corinthians who walked into the bar?
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You can look it up and read it, Chuck. It’s right there in Two Corinthians…
Without the NATV I am left wandering…..
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that’s frikkin’ hilarious!!!
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