Am I Racist if My School Only Has Two Colors?

SCOTUS is at it again.  For the record, SCOTUS is not some form of severe athlete’s foot as it sounds like it should be, but rather is hipster journalist talk for Supreme Court Of The United States.

“Why does he walk so funny?”

“He has SCOTUS.”

“Oh, Bless his heart.”

Last Tuesday, in a 3-2-1-2-recuse decision, SCOTUS upheld the right of states to ban racial preferences in university admissions, which derives from the great state of Michigan where voters had the nerve to say melanin should not outweigh academic ability or commitment when determining which individuals to allow into their various taxpayer-supported schools.  And which incidentally has ruined my chances at becoming a lawyer, thankyouverymuch, as I was totally going to go to the University of Michigan Law School.  And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.  Thanks a lot, SCOTUS.

In the racially sensitive words of Ricky Ricardo, let me ‘splain: Continue reading

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Beauty and the Beast: The Dilemma

I will admit that as this new year begins, my nerves are more frazzled than Gary Busey trying to program a VCR.  The reason for my significant apprehensive trepidation is that I’m pretty sure I’m about to lose my job, which will significantly reduce the opportunities I have to drink free coffee and/or surf the net.  This deduction stems from a couple of recent hard-hitting news stories that lead me to believe I have enough strikes against me to be mistaken for a public school system. Continue reading

Your What Hurts?

There is an utterly tragic story out of Texas this week. A woman’s buttocks was (were?) severely burned during a Dallas Cowboys scrimmage game last year. The imagination runs wild when considering how this could have possibly happened, butt let me assure you: a butane lighter was not involved.

The woman’s name is Jenelle, however in order to protect her privacy and dignity we will henceforth refer to her as Hot Hynie Blister Bottom, or HHBB for short. Continue reading

Anybody Know a Good Personal Obesity Lawyer?

It pains me to say, but at some indeterminate point in the past, I traded in my washboard stomach for a top-loader. It’s like I accidentally left my six-pack in the car and it got too warm, exploding into an Orson Wellian pear-shaped flesh balloon. –Not that I need to be buried in a piano case or anything, but as a middle-aged archetype, I am admittedly soft in places that were previously not places.

Being fat doesn’t really concern me; four out of five dentists surveyed are also fat. Continue reading