If Cream Cheese Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right

Unless you reside beneath large deposits of granite or perhaps are a subscriber to Us magazine, you are probably aware of the scourge of fanatical evil that everybody is coalitioning about these days.  No, I am not referring to the menace of NFL players loose on our public streets; this problem is much more malevolent and has even our legislative and executive branches grafted into a single trunk of governmental topiary oneness in an endeavor to disrupt and destroy perhaps the single greatest threat to our American well-being:  the bake sale.

I noticed this subtle cultural change when Thing 2 recently brought home her annual choir fundraising product.  Instead of the box of assorted and enchanting selection of chocolate candy-bars upon which I tend to invest my annual September salary, she thrust into my hand something called Continue reading

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Anybody Know a Good Personal Obesity Lawyer?

It pains me to say, but at some indeterminate point in the past, I traded in my washboard stomach for a top-loader. It’s like I accidentally left my six-pack in the car and it got too warm, exploding into an Orson Wellian pear-shaped flesh balloon. –Not that I need to be buried in a piano case or anything, but as a middle-aged archetype, I am admittedly soft in places that were previously not places.

Being fat doesn’t really concern me; four out of five dentists surveyed are also fat. Continue reading

What to Expect When You’re Inspecting

Before getting too deep into the customary claptrap to be discovered on this awesome page of electronic webness, I briefly offer another helping of introductory poppycock, mainly to give a sense of what is to come and because I giggle to myself every time I say ‘poppycock.’ To those 12 of you who read my first entry, don’t have any idea who I am, and have yet returned (you know who you are), I seek to avoid Stranger Danger by offering a little about me personally… Continue reading