SCOTUS is at it again.  For the record, SCOTUS is not some form of severe athlete’s foot as it sounds like it should be, but rather is hipster journalist talk for Supreme Court Of The United States.

“Why does he walk so funny?”

“He has SCOTUS.”

“Oh, Bless his heart.”

Last Tuesday, in a 3-2-1-2-recuse decision, SCOTUS upheld the right of states to ban racial preferences in university admissions, which derives from the great state of Michigan where voters had the nerve to say melanin should not outweigh academic ability or commitment when determining which individuals to allow into their various taxpayer-supported schools.  And which incidentally has ruined my chances at becoming a lawyer, thankyouverymuch, as I was totally going to go to the University of Michigan Law School.  And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.  Thanks a lot, SCOTUS.

In the racially sensitive words of Ricky Ricardo, let me ‘splain:

Although I’ve never really billeted an ardor toward becoming a lawyer, I figured I was a shoo-in based on my ability to use words like ‘billeted’ and ‘ardor’.  Plus, the U of M Law School uses an admissions points system that plays precisely to my nominal strengths.  They award up to 150 points based on a variety of factors; the higher your points, the more likely you are to be admitted.  But here’s the U of M kicker:  Matt Wile, a senior from San Diego, California.

Here’s a more figurative kicker:  the law school awards some of their admissions points based solely on physical characteristics.  And receiving said points depends upon whether or not society has historically oppressed those characteristics.   Sounds fair, right?

For example, persons with high levels of melanin (i.e., dark skin) get a full 20 points toward their admissions score because a society of low-melanin (i.e., light-skinned) people has historically oppressed high-melanin (i.e., dark-skinned) people.  To correct this injustice, the law school says that increased exposure of those with high melanin levels to those with low melanin levels will ‘educate’ the low-melanin people by showing them that high-melanin people are, in fact, all that and a bag of chips with dip.

Assuming the admissions board was consistent with its policy, until last Tuesday I was well on my way to bellying up to the Michigan bar.  While I regrettably have low levels of melanin, I am lucky enough to have a titanic medley of other physical features that society finds downright repulsive and oppresses at every legal opportunity.

First of all, I’m fat.  I’m not Where-are-my-knees fat, just Daddy-you’ve-got-a-big-tummy fat.  You can’t tell me that society doesn’t oppress fat people.  Society turns away fat people faster than my Mastercard.  I know this because the number of fat people on the cover of Cosmo equals the number of people who actually Prancercise.  Being fat has to be at least worth the same number of points as high melanin levels—maybe a little more if I wear Speedos to class.  Say…23 points.

I also suffer from psoriasis, which causes my elbows to get all scaly in the wintertime and drop little flakes of skin into my morning Cheerios.  The collective “Ew” you hear as others read that last sentence is the sound of me being oppressed—worth about 17 points.

In addition, I have fungus in my big toenails.  Most in our culture find that repugnant.  If you don’t, I’d be happy to show up at your next dinner party wearing a pair of Birkenstocks.  I’m sure you would give me an easy nine points.  Combined with my webbed toes and the smell of my feet as a whole, I’m figuring a total of 18.

And like most people I am aging.  The way we treat old farts in this country has to be worth something.  Admittedly, I am not John McCain old, just older than your typical irritatingly perky entitled graduate student—only about four points worth.  But!  Along with aging comes arthritic deformity, a receding hairline, and more wrinkles than linen pants worn on a flight from Amsterdam to LA; easily an additional 11 points.

I also have stubby fingers, two warts, and a cowlick, totaling about 13 points.  I bruise easily, my urine is especially susceptible to asparagus, and I shave my ears—15 more points.  I have dandruff, moles, cold sores, a lazy eye and a small goiter.  I suffer from acne, gas, myopia, Turret’s, bad breath, and a startling lack of fashion sense.  These items individually total 77 points.  In combination, roughly 106.

And the coup de grace:  anyone who has pointed me out at the beach and laughed at my expense was going to assure my admittance.  For the hairy back they snickered at was the very hairy back that was going to get me into law school.  It has to be worth at least 34 points.

All told, based upon my physical traits alone I had about 231 points out of a possible 150 and was a lock to be the best law-student ever in my socially oppressed demographic.  That is, until the Supreme Court got involved.  Now I just suffer from SCOTUS.