Here we are coming off the big 4th of July weekend, even though the 4th was on a Wednesday and about as far from a weekend as it can get. For you home-schoolers, the 4th of July is known as Independence Day and is two days after the day in 1776 whereon we declared our independence from exorbitant taxation and government intrusion by the British, asserting instead that we could in fact do these thing just fine by ourselves, thankyouverymuch.
It all started when King Curious George, Roman Numeral III imposed the Stamp Act on the colonists which forced them into catatonic boredom by making them view his stamp collection. George followed this with the Quartering Act which required colonists to house British troops and serve them fries but call them chips. There was then a short intermission after which more Acts followed that eventually came to be known as The Intolerable Acts as they were worse than even those found in U2‘s “Spiderman.” These Acts were specifically designed to further irritate the colonists and included the likes of the Christmas Toy Impenetrable Packaging Act and the Jiggle The Handle To Get The Toilet To Stop Running Act.
Getting tired of these irritants and wanting to rid themselves of bland English food and lack of quality dentistry, the New England Patriots got together and formed a Congress, who, after going on a number of junkets paid for by Hobby Lobby, formed several Joint Sub-Committees and spent millions investigating whether or not the colonies could survive using alternative exclamations to the English “Bugger!” and “I say!”
Satisfied they could and wishing to assert their right to an annual holiday on which they could barbecue and blow things up, the congress drafted Thomas Jefferson to in turn draft the Declaration of Independence. Jefferson was the natural choice because he had an innate talent for explaining Self-Evident Truths using the longest and most complex sentences possible. Once the document was complete, the Patriots all put their John Hancock on it and sent it to George and his friend, the Man in the Yellow Hat, who reportedly exclaimed, “Bugger!” and, “I say!”
Meanwhile Jefferson, after celebrating with a few too many Sam Adams, jumped in his Continental and headed to his home in Montibello. Tragically, he went off the bridge in Chappaquiddick and Alexander Hamilton was killed, which was covered up by saying he was actually shot in a duel with Raymond Burr, who himself was eventually confined to a wheelchair for eight seasons.
Perhaps most dastardly is that this dreadful episode in American history could have easily been prevented if only Independence Hall had installed talking urinal cakes, like they did in Michigan last weekend (Lynx).
With Michigan’s unemployment rate at 8.5%, roughly 17% of its citizens on food stamps, and an overall debt of about $83 billion, it is understandable that they would think the solution to their problems could be found in spending another $10,000 of tax-payer dollars on talking urinal cakes.
Urinal cakes, also known as ‘urinal mints,’ or ‘urinal cookies,’ contrary to the confusing implications of their names, are not edible. Usually things like mints and cakes and cookies are enough to send the typical weight-watcher into a ravenous James-Wade-like point-scoring tizzy, but somehow putting the word ‘urinal’ in front of them makes such items less desirable. Perhaps this would be a good strategy for Michelle Obama’s fight against childhood obesity; even the most gluttonous of appetites could be curbed by having to order a ‘Urinal Quarter-Pounder with Cheese’ or a ‘Large Urinal Blizzard.’
Standard urinal cakes/mints/cookies are the little air fresheners mysteriously found only in urinals, the purpose of which are to mask the smell of urine by emitting a chemical with a long unpronounceable name that is hazardous to your health when inhaled. Talking urinal cakes, on the other hand, have the additional purpose of startling you so badly you immediately have to use a stall.
By suggesting the piddler get an alternative ride home if he’s had too much to drink and then suggesting, “Don’t forget to wash your hands,” the good folks at the Michigan State Police say the cakes will prevent drunks from getting behind the wheel of a car and spreading germs on the buttons of local 7-Eleven microwaves.
The problem I see with this Michigan solution is that only a small percentage of drunks actually use urinals. Not being a big drinker myself (I’m only 5’10”, 170), I found myself the designated driver on a number of occasions in college and I can tell you first-hand that once drunk, the urinal is more often than not shunned for things like trees, bushes, snow banks, used cars, and on one memorable occasion, the lawn of the 5-star Broadmoor Resort and Hotel in Colorado Springs.
Therefore, I propose an alternative solution: How about we place talking urinal cakes in the bathrooms of the Michigan State Capitol? They could say things like, “Why are you spending so much of our money on things you would never purchase personally? …Don’t forget to wash your hands,” or “Watch out behind you! …Don’t forget to wash your neighbor’s slacks.”
I can hear their reactions now: “Bugger!” they would say. “I say!”
Tsk, tsk, tsk, sad to say, here I am several weeks late to the urinal party.
Tim – you should have conferred with me before posting this column. In addition to the “Watch out behind” warning you could have posted the infamous Larry Craig comment – “look out, I’ve got a wide stance.” The Broadmoor resort and hotel indeed. 🙂