Category Archives: The Petri Dish

Observations of culture

I Am One Gross National Product

Now is probably as good a TIMe as any to admit that I am among the vilest of creatures. If you read further, do not say that I have not given you fair warning.

Newspapers, magazines, television and radio have, through the years, painted a picture of me that makes Stalin look like Grandpa Walton, which is weird because he actually resembles Captain Kangaroo. It is no wonder that my Facebook friends barely outnumber Minnesota Vikings Superbowl losses; I am apparently more deserving of disgust than even the TSA (a.k.a. Thousands Standing Around). Continue reading →

Pompous Circumstances

There is a problem within our communities that is growing like a pimple on the derriere of society. It seems there are youths living among us who infiltrate our school systems and, after several years of intense study, come to be known as…Valedictorians.

Your mind is no doubt reeling at this scandalous revelation. Some of you are in denial: “Surely not our schools.” Some are angry: “How could we have let this happen?” And some of you simply choose to ignore it: “How about that Downton Abbey?” Do what you will but this is a problem that, like Madonna, refuses to go away. Continue reading →

Studies Show That Some Bloggers Put Titles On Their Posts That Are Way Too Long And Verbose To Generate Any Interest In Reading Further Thus Alienating Potential Readership

Studies show that using the phrase ‘studies show’ is one of the most effective ways to appear like you know what you are talking about. For example, if I were to say, “I can eat pudding through my nose” you might acknowledge my statement as somewhat nauseating. But if I were to say, “Studies show  I can eat pudding through my nose” you would have to acknowledge my statement as a scientific fact that is somewhat nauseating. Continue reading →

Bully For You!

The other day I read how our presumptive redundant presidential nominees have been in imaginary trouble for their respective school-age high-jinks. Slick Mitt from Mich and Mass is reported as providing an unwanted haircut to a victim who is now conveniently dead and whose family has no recollection of the incident. Republicans countered by pointing out that P.BO reported in his own book that, in an uncharacteristic Binky-like moment, he once shoved a little girl in a playground altercation. This, in turn, provoked the Democrats to respond with, “Nanny-nanny boo-boo.” To which the Republicans replied, “I know you are, but what am I?” And so on. Continue reading →

Anybody Know a Good Personal Obesity Lawyer?

It pains me to say, but at some indeterminate point in the past, I traded in my washboard stomach for a top-loader. It’s like I accidentally left my six-pack in the car and it got too warm, exploding into an Orson Wellian pear-shaped flesh balloon. –Not that I need to be buried in a piano case or anything, but as a middle-aged archetype, I am admittedly soft in places that were previously not places.

Being fat doesn’t really concern me; four out of five dentists surveyed are also fat. Continue reading →