Here we are in mid-December—the time of year when, amidst our holiday bustle, we begin to pause and somberly reflect on why this is the only time of the year anybody ever uses the word ‘bustle.’ It is also the time of year when we don’t really pay much attention to what is going on in the world in terms of history-making and/or altering news stories because we here in the West are so reverently focused on the birth of the Christ child and all the frantic patriotic consumerism it affords.
Combine that with 93% of all US network coverage being about either Lindsay Lohan or a make-believe crisis wherein Democrats and Republicans are making an hubristic grab for money and power by pretending to be Thelma and Louise, and it creates The Perfect Storm of Notorious movie-title metaphors.
Lucky for you, instead of shopping and decorating to ensure the perfect holiday season for my loved ones, I have been scouring at least three websites today in search of a blog topic. I never quite know how to follow up a post that has been as wildly popular as last week’s, as there is inevitably a let-down in traffic followed by some sort of clinical depression diagnosis and visits to the KevorkianMart.
I have therefore decided to keep it simple this week and share with you, the discerning yet distracted reader, in a somewhat lame Meyersly, Lenoesque fashion, all the newsworthy information that you are probably missing as a result of said causes above and yet that I have gleaned as a result of my very selfless and philanthropic procrastination. (And don’t worry: I will not mentioned any news about the NFL because all the news about the NFL lately is not news about the NFL.) So without further ado, I will make like the whores on 8-mile and get cracking.
Much like Lucy Lawless, my favorite news story this week is out of New Zealand. In an attempt to increase pet adoption from shelters, a select group of cross-bred dogs were taught to drive real cars. Yesterday they took their road test and according to one story, “passed with flying collars,” which has the State of Colorado looking at hiring the trainers to maybe come and teach their residents. (That’s right, Colorado, I’m calling you out.) In honor of this incredible story and the holiday season, my Australian Shepherd has herded his English pointer and Irish setter friends together into a giant Christmas pointsetter.
Speaking of dogs, a man in Palm Coast, FL was arrested last week after leaving a 10-month old child to be babysat by a pit bull so he could go out drinking. He was subsequently charged with neglect and causing the media to overuse scary pit bull file photos. Experts claim the pit bull in question should not have been left with such a small child because unlike its New Zealand counterparts, it did not have its driver’s license. Police ticketed the pit bull for littering before it could flea the premises.
You may have missed this, but the Polish organization, Gallup, has published its findings from last week. They discovered through their meticulous research that 53% of Democrats have a “positive image” of Socialism. In a related story, a high-school math student discovered that 47% of Democrats are affiliated with the wrong Party.
Speaking of stupid statistics, it has been discovered that 16% of mobile device users do their Christmas shopping in the bathroom. Besides, um…ew, this information gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘free next-day delivery’ and has retailers pushing for a way to honor these one-plop-shoppers by nicknaming the second day after Thanksgiving “Brown Saturday.” Unfortunately, this is just one more slide down the slippery slope of societal disintegration as it opens the door for any number of distasteful euphemisms like, “Moving Sale” or “Low-end Prices” or “Everything Must Go.”
And finally, in 24-hour news news that makes you say “Oh Snap”, Fox News contributor Jesse Watters went on the air after the election last month and called people who voted for Obama “Zombies” who would blindly follow anyone who gave them healthcare, gay marriage, and abortion on demand. This is the same Jesse Watters who, it turns out, donated $500 to the “Obama Victory Fund 2012.” In his defense, Mr. Watters is not really dead.
In closing, you’re welcome. Since it has been recently reported that 90% of all work-time conversation consists of pointless gossip (the remaining 10% being a conglomeration of sports, sexual harassment, and bosses yelling, “Get back to work!”), consider yourself water-cooler qualified—at least until after the holidays…or Lindsay gets out of jail.