Hello and here we are in the midst of the most holy week of the Christian calendar, not to be confused with the Christian colander which is also holey but for an entirely different reason. Holy week is the time of year when believers in the resurrection of Christ become especially reverent and often take time to personally and solemnly reflect on why TV commercials can say ‘Easter’ but can’t say ‘Christmas.’
It’s also the time of year when people who normally wouldn’t go to church if their soul depended on it suddenly find themselves going two or three times in a span of a few days “just in case” or to maybe give their busted bracket a supernatural boost. Therefore, in order to prepare the non-church-going church-goer for their upcoming isolated church-going, I thought it would be an appropriate public service to recap the event they will be pretending to worshipfully celebrate in order to equip them such that they can more effectively fake their way through.
The easiest way to do this is to simply quote said story from the Bible, so what follows is the resurrection passage from the gospel of John as read from the ATSV, that is, the American Teen Slang Version.
And so at like, oh-dark-thirty on the Sunday a.m.? Mary Mag-Skillet was, like, hitting up The J-Man’s death box? And saw that the bacon was all like, merked? And the rock had been totally chucked from the go-hole?
And so she like, Freaked! Out! And booked to P-dog and The J-Man’s dopest homey and was all ratcheting like, “O. M. G! Some derp totally bogarted The J-Man’s stiff out the box! And idk where he’s stashed!”
And they were all like, “Whatwhaaat?!” So P-dog and the dopest homey took the 2-10 to the box.
The bros jetted, but the dopest homey? He totally flexed past P-dog, and was so firsting at the box.
He stooped and scoped out The J-Man’s floordrobe? But was like, way shy to reach? So P-dog totally sidled him and hit the crypt enter key? And he saw the grave duds so just lying there? And the dome piece from The J-Man’s skullnoggin? I mean, the sloth-cloth was all awko-taco, totally broke from the do-rag.
And so the dopest homey? Who totally owned P-dog on the run? Was totes jelly so finally reached and eyeballed that they were like, truthing hundo-p. (The bros were such an epic fail cuz they so didn’t capeesh the Biblay? That The J-Man would go all God-mode on them? And hit vid_restart from the permazonk?) Then the dude-bros were like, “Whatevs,” and bounced to their crib cuz, you know, YOLO.
Now Mag-Skillet? She hung outside the crypt and totes flipped on the boohoo. She was all blubbering and stuff? And stooped to eyeball the crypt? And she totally peeped two McDreamies all Caucasian-like? And they were just like, chillaxing right where The J-Man’s stiff had been, you know, vegging? One at the skullnoggin? And the other at the dogs?
And they were just like, “Gurl, why you all up trippin’?”
And she was all like, “There was totes-meh-goats stealage of The J-Man! And I don’t…even…”
Then she 180’d and peeped The J-Man? He was just hanging there? But she was so lunching she didn’t even catch that it was The J-Man? Then he was all like, “Gurl, why you so cray-cray? Who you googlin’?”
Thinking he was some scrub lawn guy? She was like, “Na bra, if you cabbaged my bro, straight up fink where you stashed him, and I’ll like, you know, fetch.”
Then J-Man was like, “What up, Mag-Skillet?” Then she like, came up at him? And tongue-ratcheted all like, “Bro!” (which is, like, “Duuuude!”).
And J-Man was like, “You need to step off girl, cuz I ain’t jammed to the Skydaddy. You make off to my mains and spit out that I’m all like: ‘I’ll be jammin’ to my Skydaddy and your Skydaddy, to my Big G and your Big G.’ ”
And so Mary Mag-Skillet blessed up the brohans? And was all like, “Dudes! The J-Man is so swag!” And she totally duped the convo-yap she and The J-Man chewed? And …yeah.
Happy Easter everybody!