Thanks to that bastion of truth, Social Media, it has come to my attention that yesterday (4 Feb) was World Cancer Day—not to be confused with National Cancer Survivors Day which is June 7th or National Cancer Prevention Month which is the entire month of February—not to be confused with Breast Cancer Awareness Month which is October. We of course are all aware of Breast Cancer Awareness Month because that is the month wherein we dress up to race for cures and men everywhere are adjusting their sets because the NFL looks like Valentine’s sprinkles.
Personally, I think that if we took the millions spent on pink crap every October and actually used it to fund research we would have had a cure years ago, but…then we wouldn’t feel like we were actually doing something helpful for those who are suffering by temporarily wearing a pink tie and/or boa and/or, in the case of J. Lo, a 6-carat diamond.
Now before you hurdle yourself into my esophagus (which is pink, btw) for my heartless and callous tactlessness, you should know that I am a cancer survivor. Okay, that’s not true. Sorry. Didn’t mean to get all Brian Williams on you. But I do personally know cancer survivors and non-survivors and fully expect to get cancer someday since colon cancer runs through my family like Sherman’s march to the sea.
It turns out that, according to Social Media, fully 50% of the most common cancers are indeed preventable. That is why we here at the Institute for the Nefarious Study of Absurdities Necessitating Expenditures (INSANE) have spent upwards of this blog post trying to get the word out about making informed, healthy lifestyle choices—like smelling farts for instance.
Perhaps you heard of the study released last summer that scientists(?) from the University of Exeter (UK) found that hydrogen sulfide gas, a compound produced in small amounts during human digestion, while having a negative effect on the human disposition as a whole, has a positive effect on a cell’s mitochondria; it actually beefs up the cell’s energy levels. And thus, according to the Exeter researchers, flatulence could be “a healthcare hero” in the prevention of such rascally health-nasties like strokes, arthritis, heart disease, and yes, even cancer. In short, it turns out that not even the silent are deadly. Amen and pass the lentils.
(Say…wasn’t Lentil a Barbra Streisand movie?)
It also turns out that Martin Luther was right. Word on the Reformation street is that Martin Luther (before he was king) was not only a religious troublemaker, but was also known for having a particularly ‘effervescent’ personality; he was a one-man band, so-to-speak. (Some blamed his trouser trumpets on the Diet of Worms. Haha! Just kidding. A little Reformation humor there.)
Anyway…Luther would refer figuratively to his vile vaporousness as “rooting out the devil.” Well, if such gasiform acts are rooting out the devil then let me tell you, I am the holiest of holies; mine are named Legion, for they are many. But science has now proven this to be true: farts literally root out the devil of disease! How else do you explain Luther living into his sixties when life expectancy in the 1500s was between 30 and 40? And if this is indeed the case—that frequently whiffing human hydrogen prevents disease—then The Queen Mother is the very quintessential epitome of health, as I have been known to selflessly prevent diseases about our home with alarming regularity. (Without tooting my own horn, some say I am a 7.2 on the rectum scale.)
Of course, there are haters out there who say that this claim is much like my 8th grade gym shorts in that it does not pass the sniff test. One critic, a Dr. Csaba Szabo from the University of Texas went so far as to say, “None of this research says you should go and inhale farts.”
Whatever Csaba Szabo. At least I don’t have a clown name.
We here at The Institute know for a fact that the most potent weapon in the fight against cancer is hope. And as long as playing the booty bongo gives a tinkling of hope to the hurting, then by god I am going to continue to spread that hope. In fact, ‘spreading the hope’ is going to be my new euphemism. Early in the morning, I will spread the hope. Late in the evening and all through the night, I will spread the hope. In fact, I am spreading the hope right now.
Won’t you join me?