There’s a Lot More to Life than Being Really, Really, Ridiculously Good Looking

My favorite headline from this month has got to be Foxnews.com’s, “Scientists Study Violent Winds of Uranus.”

Please note that I have elected to NOT write a blog post about this very fascinating story even though the first line of said article reads,

“Screaming winds of infernal violence alternate with periods of dead calm as one nears the surface of Uranus, according to a new analysis of the gas giant.”

because doing so might give the accurate impression that my maturity level is somewhere between a sixth-grade boy’s health class and a Pauly Shore movie.

So rather than dwell on my extreme adolescent childishness, I am instead going to focus on the startling fact that it is possible for one to be so darned good-looking that it is impossible to be a productive member of society.  Continue reading →

Tim and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

I’ve had better weeks.

Perhaps you have heard the phrase, “First World Problems.”  It is a euphemism for such life difficulties as, “My lettuce turns brown too fast” or, “The escalator is broken again” or, “Which government agency should I use to harass my political enemies?”  I won’t say whether I have any of these specific problems or not, but I will say that after this week I am seriously looking at some lovely sand-front property in northern Mali.

Early this week I fought “The Battle of The Siding” which is a lot like “The Battle of The Bulge” except that nobody died and there probably won’t be a movie made about it starring George C. Scott, although one with someone like Bill Pullman is a distinct possibility. Continue reading →

Date Night? Actually, I Prefer Figs.

The other night The Queen Mother and I found ourselves in possession of an expiring Groupon for one of your finer dining establishments in downtown Minneapolis.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Groupon concept, it is a discount coupon that you purchase, then forget you own until it expires in 45 minutes, at which time you scramble around and rework your entire life so you can redeem it and save the $17 you had so coveted six months earlier. 

This particular Groupon was for one of the more trendy Minneapolis eateries, and by ‘trendy’ I mean to say we were among the most heterosexual of patrons.  The idea was to have a nice half-price dinner for two, then meet our various offspring for an ice-cream chaser all for under $40.  We were even being so economical as to opt to drive our 20-year-old puddle jumper as opposed to our planet-killing gas-guzzling SUV, which in a politically correct nod to the Sierra Club we affectionately refer to as “The Axles of Evil.” Continue reading →

Welcome To the Second Year of My Blog. I Apologize.

Hello.  My name is Tim.  Welcome to the second year of my blog.  Please do not be outraged.  I apologize.

People seem rather sensitive to becoming outraged these days.  Just turning the key in the ignition of one of the many search engines out there proves that.  For example:

Military.com:  Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel ‘Outraged’ Over AF Sexual Assault Arrest.  It is not clear whether Mr. Hagel was outraged at the embarrassment of the crime to his administration or the crime itself.

Chicago.cbslocal.com:  Local Muslims Outraged By Card Depicting Muslim Girl Doll as a Terrorist.  Meanwhile, local Muslim outrage at actual terrorist attacks has yet to be reported. Continue reading →

The Year of Blogging Dangerously

Well, here we are: conTIMplating one year later.  Has it been a year already?  It has.  It seems just like yesterday that I was debating which pair of boxers to wear for my big background photo shoot.  If I were Bob Hope I’d start singing “Thanks for the Memories” but luckily for Mrs. Hope, I am not Bob Hope.

I suppose to accompany the congratulatory fanfare and wellwishiness you are feeling right now an appropriate post would be a clever recap of the past twelve months that revisited the high and low points of a year-old page of spectacular electronic webness such as this, but it doesn’t make any sense to recap because unfortunately, it was never capped in the first place.  Besides, like the old saying goes, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

So if you’ll permit, I will simply wax illogic Continue reading →