Hello. My name is Tim. Welcome to the second year of my blog. Please do not be outraged. I apologize.
People seem rather sensitive to becoming outraged these days. Just turning the key in the ignition of one of the many search engines out there proves that. For example:
Military.com: Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel ‘Outraged’ Over AF Sexual Assault Arrest. It is not clear whether Mr. Hagel was outraged at the embarrassment of the crime to his administration or the crime itself.
Chicago.cbslocal.com: Local Muslims Outraged By Card Depicting Muslim Girl Doll as a Terrorist. Meanwhile, local Muslim outrage at actual terrorist attacks has yet to be reported.
Mediamatters.org: Right Wing Media Figures Outraged Obama Used The Term “Women’s Health” In Front Of Women’s Health Group. What? Right Wing Media Figures Outraged? There’s a headline for you.
Nypost.com: Newtown Victim’s Parents Outraged Uncle Capitalizing on Tragedy. No word as of yet on how they feel about the anti-gun lobby doing the same thing.
Gadling.com: Tourists Outraged Over $84 Gelati In Rome. Of course! Who wouldn’t be outraged at such injustice?! Compared to little things like war, pestilence, and economic collapse, expensive gelati is simply unlivable.
Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum, pro bono, anti cher.
After much research and analyzation accomplished from the comfort of my Kermit pajama bottoms, I have come to the scientific conclusion that every single documented case of outrage is the result of somebody believing stuff and saying things.
The anecdotal evidence that proves my theory is the flap over Chik-Fil-A last summer, henceforth known as “The Flap Over Chick-Fil-A From Last Summer.” Allow me to refresh your fading memory: Last year the CEO-guy of Chik-Fil-A believed stuff and said things. This outraged certain groups who believed different stuff and so they said things. This in turn outraged a bunch of people who believed the same stuff as Mr. CEO-guy and so they said things. And so on. So what does this have to do with my blog?
It has been my discovery over the past year that blogging involves believing stuff and saying things. And as we have seen, nothing promotes outrage like beliefs and statements. So I have found that through my blogging, I am smack in the middle of a veritable controversial firestorm of negligently held opinions and enunciated incendiary declarations. In other words, I believe stuff and say things and am therefore outrageous.
Of course, as I mentioned when I got involved in this whole mess, the only thing that can sooth such contentious rabble-rousing is to admit that I am stupid and/or spineless; that is, apologize. Either I am stupid for believing and saying what I do, or I am spineless for not standing behind what I say or do.
So here goes: I apologize for believing stuff and saying things. I should know better. Please do not be outraged. I am sorry. I am sincerely stupid and/or spineless. And if you would be so kind, allow me to be more specific as to the types of things I am apologizing for…
Last fall, professional golfer Phil Mickelson apologized for saying that he was looking to move out of California because the taxes were too high, much like many other (former) residents and business have done (including fellow golfer, Tiger Woods). This statement stimulated much outrage since it reflects Phil’s perversely egocentric selfishness in that he only wants to keep the money for one of his many philanthropic ventures when he should be giving it to the State so they can continue to fund the California Acupuncture Board and replace the ashtrays in courthouses where smoking has been banned since 1998.
I too apologize. Like Phil, I would prefer to use my money to better my community than have it taken from me in order to purchase talking urinal cakes or study the hookah-smoking habits of Jordanians. I am so selfish. Please do not be outraged. I am sorry.
After the NCAA championship football game this year, ESPN apologized on behalf of announcer Brent Musburger because he had the nerve to call Miss Alabama—and I quote—“good-looking” and “a beautiful woman.” Perhaps you should pause to collect yourself after reading that horrifically discriminating statement; it is truly outraging. What is perhaps worse is that I also believe Miss Alabama is a beautiful woman. And now I have said it. There I go again, believing stuff and saying things and fostering outrage. I have no right to assume that just because someone participates in something called a “Beauty Contest,” she could be referred to as beautiful. That’s just dumb. I’m so sorry.
Chevy has recently apologized for an ad that uses the 1938 song, “Oriental Swing.” This has sparked outrage due to its inclusion of the lyrics “Now, in the land of Fu Manchu, The girls all now do the Suzie-Q, Clap their hands in the center of the floor, Saying, ‘Ching, ching, chop-suey, swing some more!'” Much to my shame, I find this song irresistibly catchy and even whistle it on occasion. But not only that: I have been known to say “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto,” sway during the opening bars of Kung Fu Fighting, and order my In ‘n’ Out burgers Gangnam Style. My behavior is outrageous and should not be. Please accept my apology.
And just in case, last week Vice President Biden apologized for not joining the civil rights march from Selma to Montgomery in 1965. I also did not march in Selma, and so should probably apologize. Sorry about that.
So welcome to the second year of my blog. Please do not be outraged. I apologize.