White Men Can’t Dance (and Neither Can Their Daughters)

People are having entirely too much fun these days. Luckily we have 24-hour news channels to keep us somber. And rainy days and Mondays. And celery.

I read somewhere that you burn more calories in the process of eating celery than the celery actually provides, so if you were to eat an all-celery diet you would eventually come to resemble an Olsen twin. Studies show that this is why God created celery in the shape of a U: to make it conveniently capable of containing a substance that would effectively kill its taste and provide fleeting pleasure, like peanut butter or some sort of manufactured cheese product in a can. But I digress… Continue reading →

Long Live the King(s)

WARNING: This post contains graphic images of bird poo and celebrity underpants.  If you are a child or are pregnant, you may want to leave the room before reading.

With all the recent hubbub about war, pestilence, and “Death to America” you have no doubt been glued to your television sets and inundated with news of Princess Kate. I have therefore taken it upon myself to inform you that other things in the world are indeed happening that have no affect on your life whatsoever.  Thankfully there are hard-hitting news organizations like this one that feel compelled to report them anyway.

Most important to disregard is the big story out of Chicago this week — not the one about selfless, high-quality yet underpaid teachers striking against those stingy private-sector taxpayers — I’m talking about the one in which it is claimed that the image of Michael Jackson has gloriously appeared in a rather sizeable and well-aimed bird dropping. Continue reading →

I Am One Gross National Product

Now is probably as good a TIMe as any to admit that I am among the vilest of creatures. If you read further, do not say that I have not given you fair warning.

Newspapers, magazines, television and radio have, through the years, painted a picture of me that makes Stalin look like Grandpa Walton, which is weird because he actually resembles Captain Kangaroo. It is no wonder that my Facebook friends barely outnumber Minnesota Vikings Superbowl losses; I am apparently more deserving of disgust than even the TSA (a.k.a. Thousands Standing Around). Continue reading →

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

Every four years or so we find it necessary as a familial unit to escape the borders of this great country of ours and venture out into foreign lands by way of some sort of ridiculously monstrous cruise ship. (The fact that such excursions coincide with Presidential Party Convention Season is purely coincidental by design.) This year found us battling Hurricane Isaac (named for the affable Love Boat bartender) while trolling about The Bahamas, a chain of islands off the coast of Florida best known for their mamas and the Utterly Unaffordable Atlantis Paradise Resort. Continue reading →

The Red, The White Guy, and The Blue

Once again it is the worst couple of weeks in television history. No, I’m not talking about Irritating PBS Fundraiser Time where a television network that exists solely due to our tax dollars seeks even more donations in order to bring you Daniel O’Donnell concert reruns, I’m talking about Presidential Political Convention Season where garment-renting and teeth-gnashing is not just a job, but a way of life.

Presidential political conventions used to be where a party gathered around a platform to adopt a platform and formally decide who their nomination for president would be, but have since morphed into a ceremonial, highly-scripted reason to wear goofy hats. Continue reading →