Once again it is the worst couple of weeks in television history. No, I’m not talking about Irritating PBS Fundraiser Time where a television network that exists solely due to our tax dollars seeks even more donations in order to bring you Daniel O’Donnell concert reruns, I’m talking about Presidential Political Convention Season where garment-renting and teeth-gnashing is not just a job, but a way of life.

Presidential political conventions used to be where a party gathered around a platform to adopt a platform and formally decide who their nomination for president would be, but have since morphed into a ceremonial, highly-scripted reason to wear goofy hats. Today the conventions are largely where Republicans convene to call Democrats bed-wetting pinko-commie tree-hugging baby-killers, and Democrats convene to call Republicans rabid right-wing homophobes even though they favor laissez-faire policies.

Luckily this year you do not have to watch said conventions. Why is that? Because you have found my very informative blog of jaded skeptical cynicism. Congratulations! And this week my cynicism is dedicated to bringing you a psychic summary of said conventions before they are even over. Particularly for those who pay no attention to lies — I mean — ‘exaggerations’ and ‘misspoken’ rhetoric on a normal basis, I am providing you with a Quick and Dirty Election Primer, so you can decide quickly which party upon which to waste your vote this November.

(Much like other media outlets, I will ignore the political parties that actually have original thoughts and ideas and highlight just the differences between Lying Democrats and Evil Republicans.)

Republicans are unsophisticated rural bumpkins who blame Democrats for our problems;
Democrats are much more educated and enlightened. They blame Republicans for our problems.

Democrats like to take federal money and spend it on their districts;
Republicans like to take federal money and spend it on their districts.

Republicans are slightly left of center;
Democrats are slightly left of left.

Democrats are willing to sacrifice freedom for equality;
Republicans are willing to sacrifice equality for freedom.
Both are willing to sacrifice either for re-election.

Republicans prefer low taxes and high spending;
Democrats prefer high taxes and higher spending.

Democrats like to funnel money to their donors;
Republicans like to funnel money to their frat buddies.

Republicans want government intervention in a woman’s uterus and the bedroom;
Democrats want government intervention everywhere else.

Democrats prefer social justice;
Republicans prefer legal justice.

Republicans wag their finger at you to tell you what not to do;
Democrats wag their finger at you to tell you what they didn’t do.

Democrats dislike warfare;
Republicans dislike welfare.

Republicans want poor children to starve;
Democrats prefer to kill them in the womb.

Some of the smartest Democrats are in government service;
some of the smartest Republicans are in the workforce.

Republicans like war, and fight them often;
Democrats dislike war, and fight them more often.

Democrats still blame the failed policies of George W. Bush;
Republicans still blame the failed policies of Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Republicans passed the Patriot Act, which significantly limits the freedoms and privacy of citizens;
Democrats squawk and complain loudly about the Patriot Act, but keep it going.

Democrats think the government is a charity, yet make a pretty good living at it;
Republicans think the government is evil, yet make a pretty good living at it.

Republicans are red;
Democrats are Red.

Democrats are blue;
when the map is blue, Republicans are blue.

Republicans want checks on the government;
Democrats want government checks.

Democrats are compassionate and like to share the wealth (that may not necessarily be their own);
Republicans are greedy and like to keep the wealth (that may not necessarily be their own).

Republicans are homophobes;
Democrats make up words for Republicans.

If a light bulb burnt out Democrats would spend billions of tax dollars on trying to fix it rather than change it; Republicans would leave it alone and allow the light bulb to change itself.

Republicans like to politicize their religion;
Democrats like to politicize Republicans’ religion.

Democrats are in partnership with union thugs;
Republicans are in partnership with corporate slugs.

Republicans are outraged at the behavior of Bill Clinton but dismiss that of Herman Cain;
Democrats are outraged at the words of Rush Limbaugh but dismiss those of Bill Maher.

Democrats watch TV with the exception of NPR;
Republicans listen to the radio with the exception of Fox News.

Republicans are the party of the rich;
Democrats are richer than Republicans.

Democrats think Israel should behave themselves;
Republicans think we should support them regardless.

Republicans believe in corporate takeovers;
Democrats believe in taking over corporations.

Democrats such as Al Sharpton like to play the race card;
Republicans such as Bill Bennett like to play the race dailies.

Republicans believe in spending on defense;
Democrats believe in spending on everything else.

Democrats believe in giving illegals amnesty;
Republicans are opposed unless Reagan does it.

The Republican symbol is an elephant because they are fat cats who never forget a donor;
the Democrat symbol is an ass because, well…sometimes this blog just writes itself.