Am I Racist if I Stay Home on Black Friday?

Here we are in Nickname Week again: Thanksgiving Thursday followed by Black Friday followed by Small Business Saturday followed by Sleep It Off Sunday followed by Cyber Monday followed by TIMMY Tuesday et cetera, et cetera, advertisement nauseam.

Thursday is the actual holiday that is causing this moniker mayhem.  It is known as Thanksgiving, or as they say in Texas, THANKS-giving.  Of course, they say a lot of things in Texas you don’t really hear elsewhere, like PO-lice and GUN rack.  Be that as it may, I will try to arise from my turkey coma long enough to pass off as this week’s post a few reflective reflections to test your reflexes.

Thanksgiving was first declared a holiday by George Washington, but credit is usually given to Abraham Lincoln because he freed the slaves and wore a really cool hat.  Lincoln declared that the last Thursday in November be set aside as “a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.”   Wanting to ride Lincoln’s considerably long coat tails to re-election, every president since has also proclaimed a “National Day of Thanksgiving.”  That last part has been dropped however, because it is unconstitutional.  I understand President Obama posted this year’s proclamation via website.  It should be ready sometime in February.  Or so.  But they are working around the clock.  And have the best and brightest available.

What is interesting is that even though Thanksgiving is a religious undertaking, it is celebrated by the atheist community, though I haven’t the foggiest idea why and I don’t even know what a foggy idea is.  I guess a little religion is okay if it means getting the day off.   While I realize that religions are stupid (not all religions mind you, just other religions), there seems to be a whole atheist subject-object-predicate issue going on here.   And I have a hard time tracking the philosophical path from determinism to gratitude.  If somebody could do that for me in the comment section without calling me names, that would be great.

Friday (today) is known as Black Friday and is the biggest shopping day of the year as people get ready for their respective politically correct religious observances that everybody knows is Christmas but for some reason are afraid to say out loud.  This year social media is all worked up because Black Friday actually started on Thanksgiving Thursday and caused people to go out shopping on the holiday which, say the critics, takes away from the true meaning of Thanksgiving, which is gluttony and football.

Unlike Gershwin who was a treble-maker, I am more of a trouble-maker, and did some impulse shopping on Thursday night.  I didn’t find any good impulses, though.  In fact, I went so far as to go shopping even earlier—on Wednesday.  HA! Take that, non-shopping-Thanksgiving-Day-fun-spoiling-whiney-pant-whinersons!  If I want to get trampled at Wal-Mart on Thursday night or take part in some other form of natural selection, that’s my business.  And get this—tradition has it that after the first Thanksgiving dinner, even Captain Standish went shopping.

Okay, that’s not true.  He actually took a little nappy-nap during the Chiefs-Patriots game.  But!  After he woke up, he went out and bought all of Manhattan for just $22 from Chief Doorbuster.

So my problem is not so much with shopping on Thanksgiving.  My problem is with Black Friday:  Why does everything have to be about race?  And why don’t other minorities have special days?  Why don’t we have Jewish Tuesday?  Or Women’s Wednesday?  Sure, we have ladies’ nights, but why no days?  And why are women considered minorities, anyway?   Aren’t there more women than men?  And what about the children?  DOESN’T ANYONE CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!

AND WILL EVERYBODY JUST STOP WRITING YOUR OWN WORDS TO “CAROL OF THE BELLS” AND USING THEM IN LAME ADVERTISING?!!

Okay, starting to get a little off topic.  The end.

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9 thoughts on “Am I Racist if I Stay Home on Black Friday?

  1. Whew not even 1/4 the way through this and I am cracking up … This is probably one of the funniest/saddest/truest things I’ve read on the internet in like, a whole entire hour:
    “And I have a hard time tracking the philosophical path from determinism to gratitude. If somebody could do that for me in the comment section without calling me names, that would be great.”

    Like

      • Probably because that would require quite a few philosophical leaps. Maybe if you could just see inside a determinist brain:

        “I have no freedom because biological factors decide my every decision. Sometimes I make stupid decisions. Well, not me. My brain. If I had true freedom I would be responsible for the stupid decisions. Whew. I sure am grateful that everything is inevitable and that every stupid decision I made was the only one I could have made. Otherwise I would have personal responsiblity. Thanks, universe.”

        Like

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