O. Didn’t Start the Fire

If you’re like me, you have recently been the victim of election results and the resultant celebratory and/or petulant result punditry that has so many people looking up the word ‘petulant’ these days. The bottom line is that the country has turned more red than an embarrassed Lenin with measles, and the egocentric pundits keep trying to wrap their giant heads around the question of why as they lie awake at night tossing and turning on their freakishly enormous pillows.

I am admittedly no political expert, but I have a theory as to the cause of the country’s sudden erythema which, at the risk of being reported to whitehouse.gov, I will share in a certain familiar poetic/musical form. Before beginning however, I must admit that 1) I am actually a bit ashamed of how much time I spent writing this post and that b) I have discovered a newfound respect for Billy Joel, even though he has two first names. So with apologies to Mr. Joel, here is

O. Didn’t Start the Fire

(Karaoke lynx here)

Cash for clunkers, Hope and Change, Bill Ayers, Health Exchange
Open borders, Kevin Jennings, Jeremiah Wright
Putin’s eatin’ Kiev chicken, Food stamp applications quicken
New Party, Tea Party, Incandescent light

L.G. Chem, ACORN, Regulators watching porn
Pull the troops from Iraq, Oopsy now we’re going back
Never waste a crisis, Not at war with ISIS
Delphi pensions, Cold War tensions, You didn’t build that

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
His administration
Wants to change the nation

Nobel Peace Prize, Harry Reid, Bypass congress, Benghazi
If you like it you can keep it, Rahm Emanuel
Bonuses for AIG, Only racists disagree
Tofu lunches, ‘RSPECT’ is hard to spell

Kathleen Sebelius, Trillion-dollar stimulus
Red line is drawn in the sand, Russia’s the one with the plan
Fort Hood, Gibson Raid, Credit rating downgrade
Rationed health, Spread the wealth, Salutes with a latte

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
He’s at Martha’s Vineyard
Or a Wall St. dinner

Bitter ones cling to guns, Trayvon could have been my son
Van Jones, Snowden sings, Bow to the Saudi Kings
Stimulus wrought with fraud, Taliban for Bergdahl
Sotomayor is a judge, Unemployment numbers fudge

O. O. O.
Lois Lerner pleads the 5th, healthcare savings myth
Younger ones pay for old; That’s why they won’t enroll
Inhaled frequently, Cambridge cops act stupidly
Corporate bailouts, Press phones, Advisors in the Congo

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
N.S.A. is spying
And the A.G.’s lying

Joe Sestak, Sue Rice, lay a wreath, “Jesus Christ!”
Drone strikes, Ron Kirk, Sign-up website won’t work
Closed-down memorials, Scathing editorials
Choom Gang, Common raps, Warrant-less wiretaps
Truth squads, Robert Gates, Second highest corporate rates
So B.K. moves away, What else do I have to say?

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
Missing mail and faxes
Timmy Geithner’s taxes

Secret Service having sex, John Nelson and Landrieu bought
Shovel-ready projects not as ready as we thought
Czar appointments with no vote, Subsidizing all Volts
Writing pen pals in Iran, Double-down Afghanistan

Carney said “I never lied”, Military suicides
Chinese debts, Screw the vets, Crazy immigration mess
The beheading down in Moore, Banning drilling that’s offshore
Carbon credits, Common Core, I can’t take it anymore!

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
But when he is gone
We will still pay on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on…

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
Concerned more with optics
Than news catastrophic

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire
Ebola deployments
And recess appointments

O. didn’t start the fire
But he surely fanned it
While the press just pandered
O. didn’t start the fire…

Legalizing Pot, Otherwise Known as Marijuana or Rope or Sasfras or Tex-Mex or Stems or Hooch or Indian Boy or Locoweed or Juan Valdez or…

If you’re like me, you spent upwards of five minutes yesterday re-electing 90% of the most hated legislative branch in our nation’s storied history.  I only bring this up because it isn’t my representatives who are the problem; it’s yours and everyone else’s.  If everyone else would just get rid of their lousy congressperson and/or senator, then I’m sure we would have the greatest period in our nation’s storied history.

The favorite parts of my personal Minnesota election ballot were the assorted candidates from the Grassroots-Legalize Cannibis Party and the Legalize Marijuana Now Party.  They were running for various state offices and standing over which one not to vote for, I couldn’t help but notice that they were two separate parties with seemingly the same agenda.  Why two?  Are they so split on the issues that they could not get together and combine resources?  Continue reading

If Cream Cheese Is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right

Unless you reside beneath large deposits of granite or perhaps are a subscriber to Us magazine, you are probably aware of the scourge of fanatical evil that everybody is coalitioning about these days.  No, I am not referring to the menace of NFL players loose on our public streets; this problem is much more malevolent and has even our legislative and executive branches grafted into a single trunk of governmental topiary oneness in an endeavor to disrupt and destroy perhaps the single greatest threat to our American well-being:  the bake sale.

I noticed this subtle cultural change when Thing 2 recently brought home her annual choir fundraising product.  Instead of the box of assorted and enchanting selection of chocolate candy-bars upon which I tend to invest my annual September salary, she thrust into my hand something called an Entertainment Book, which is in fact not the least bit entertaining and tastes nothing like the gooey caloric goodness to which I had grown accustomed to consuming as part of my regular fall weight-gain program.  Continue reading

We Need a Zero-Tolerance Zero-Tolerance Policy

OK, so I was on Facebook this week and couldn’t help but notice that all the ice buckets have been replaced with enough first-day-of-school photos that I’m actually beginning to miss cat pictures.  This can only mean one thing:  ‘Tis that special season when everyone under the age of 18 has a permanent shoulder slump and every one of their parents is high-fiving and rediscovering the lunch date.  ‘Back to School’ ain’t just a sale at Wal-Mart.

I look forward to this TIMe of year, not only for the lunch dates, but because I get to read all about the zero-tolerant administrators and their vigorous tolerance for zero-tolerance policies, which has them doling out more suspensions than a bridge-builder because at some point along their 100k graduate education they found that teaching rules is easier than teaching character.  Perhaps you are familiar with the famous ‘Pop-Tart gun’ incident I wrote about here.  Turns out this incident is just the tip of the iceberg lettuce wedge. With bacon bits.  And bleu cheese crumbles.

For example, Continue reading

I Didn’t Post Last Week Due to an Old Golf Injury

DISCLAIMER:  The following story is true.  My name has been changed to protect the idiots.

_________________________________________

Much like soccer, ping-pong and dating my daughter, golf is supposed to be a non-contact sport.  Unfortunately, a somewhat embarrassing incident occurred recently that was an exception that proves this rule.  I wasn’t seriously injured, but it was bad enough to evoke a face-palm out of The Queen Mother.  Plus, I can now get out of things I don’t really want to do by claiming “an old golf injury.”  Things like helping someone move or eating vegetables or watching “The Bachelor”.

For legal purposes, Continue reading