Hillary Dillary Dock

FBI director James Comey made an announcement last week that actually had nothing to do with the fact that his last name would be a great slang term for Donald Trump’s hairstyle.

“What is that?”
“It’s a Comey.”
“I wish I had a Comey.”

Instead he made the shocking and yet entirely expected recommendation that there be no prosecution of Hillary. You recognize the name, I’m sure. Hillary has become a single name icon not unlike Madonna or Cher, partly because nobody is sure whether to say ‘Rodham’ anymore or not. When someone mentions ‘Hillary’ you no longer think Duff or Swank. There is truly only one Hillary.

Anyway…Comey more or less let Hillary off for violating her own State Department regulations by using a private email account for official classified correspondence then dancing around the truth like it was a Wiccan bonfire deep in the government’s conspiratorial woods. The Justice Department wasted no time in following the FBI’s heartfelt recommendation and, like true quality government employees, did nothing.

The Right is of course stunned and dismayed at this outworking because they thought sure that an administration such as this one would willfully press charges against a high-ranking official within its own ranks thus tarnishing itself and everyone within it. Fat Chance, Smarty Pants. I guess the Right is not familiar with the concept of ‘exercising one’s power’. This whole situation so obviously stinks that the only thing keeping the Republicans from gaining the White House this fall is their candidate.

I realize this is now old news since at the end of last week people started shooting each other and jumping to conclusions and rioting and shooting each other some more, but I didn’t get to posting about it because I had a nasty cold, which for a man ranks somewhere between deathbed and foot-in-the-grave. Also, I had a tough time figuring out how to write about the situation in a way that was witty and clever and therapeutic—all the hallmarks of quality sarcasm.

First, I considered just laying out the facts. But alas while entertaining, nobody believes facts anymore and readers would come to disparage my blog as just another rabid right-wing zealot conspiracy mouthpiece. Few things are as troubling to a religious political narrative as facts.

So then I thought, what if I did a Jeff Foxworthy kind of thing?

“If you’re under investigation by the FBI and are exonerated less than a week after your ex-president husband meets with the Attorney General and no one bats an eye because you blame it on ‘bad optics’…you might be a Clinton.”

“If your involved in a string of 20-something scandals to include being caught in bald-face lies, shady stock and real-estate deals, missing documents, and a trail of mysterious dead bodies and STILL are able to secure the presidential nomination from a major political party…you might be a Clinton.”

“If when moving out of the White House you steal furniture, silverware and china–and then move back for more…you might be a Clinton.”

While cute, this type of thing is played more than Carrie Underwood in Western Oklahoma. So I thought, what about making my point through poetry? Nursery rhymes perhaps…

Hillary Dillary Dock
The political Right’s in shock
The Left has shown
They shield their own
Hillary Dillary Dock

Or…

Hillary, Hillary, amidst inquiry
How does your status grow?
Through ignorant youths
Piles of half-truths
And sycophants, all in a row.

Or maybe a limerick would be better:

There once was a woman named Hillary,
Who by all rights should be subject to pillory.
But all her sins are rebuffed.
It’s almost enough
To drive one to a distillery.

Or how about just simple haiku? (Shhh. Bring it down. Set the mood.)

An old, strident blonde…
The Feds pander to the blonde,
Whew! Strident again.

Beautiful. I think I have a tear.

But then: yet another idea. I like doing song parodies. And as Taylor Swift has reportedly said, “I think love songs are just poetry set to music.” (The ‘Swift’ in her name is evidently not the ‘of mind’ variety.)

Maybe a little Lenny Kravitz (who I don’t think was a character on Bewitched, as everyone thinks)…
American Woman! Her name is Hillary!
American Woman! Email misery!

Or a reworked classic from Journey…
Can’t stop deceivin’
Her email’s free-wheelin’
Not quite illegal, C.Y.A.
Naar naar nar nar nar Naar naar nar nar nar neeeeer (Guitar riff. Awesome.)

Or better yet, Eddy Grant:
Officials look in-to electric mail snafus;
The situation’s dire.
The Feds won’t pro-se-cute electric mail snafus,
Although she is a liar.

Obviously, nothing really grabbed me and so I procrastinated like a death-row inmate who has to talk to his daughter about sex and didn’t post until today—and even then I’m not really saying anything of substance. As usual.

I will say though, that my favorite part of Comey’s speech was when he said this:

“To be clear, this is not to suggest that in similar circumstances, a person who engaged in this activity would face no consequences. To the contrary, those individuals are often subject to security or administrative sanctions.”

Ha! This situation obviously assumes that said fictitious person in similar circumstances is not named ‘Clinton’ and has a potentially plush appointment lined up for the hypothetical investigating FBI director when she becomes president. But no need for outrage here. Anybody who has read Dostoevsky can tell you that laws are for little people. And as Hillary herself has said, “I think most Americans understand that the deck is stacked for those at the top.” (Ironic Hillary quote #427)

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