April | 2016 | conTIMplating

So unless you are under a rock or that’s just how you roll, you have probably heard about the passing of the very revolutionary Prince Rodgers Nelson, the latest music icon to be snatched from past the prime of his career due to a presumed overdose of prescription drugs and/or Geritol which has everyone puzzled as to how the heck Keith Richards keeps plugging along. Prince’s untimely death has resulted in everything here in Minnesota being temporarily draped in purple from the state capitol to Harold’s crayon and has its citizens asking the question, “Is there such a thing as a timely death?”

Unfortunately, this news story has overshadowed the real tragedy that happened here in Minnesota last week that you probably didn’t hear about: The driver of a semi full of meat products blacked out and hit the center median wall of Interstate 494, shearing off the side of the trailer and spilling the truck’s carnivore-craving contents all over the roadway. The incident happened during prime rush hour and needless to say, traffic ground to a halt as a major artery was clogged. While the situation has since been wrapped up and there were no injuries, there are reportedly still missing links. Continue reading →

There have been great debates throughout history that have often resulted in shouting matches or fisticuffs or shooting wars such as East v. West, Democrat v. Republican, Protestant v. Catholic, La Niña v. El Niño, The ’97 Bulls v. Ditka; the list goes on and on. These conflicts are not only dangerous to talk about at full volume in a restaurant, but have come to define us as a civilization who whispers in restaurants. Butt there is one debate that has divided us such that it is worthy of an extra ‘t’ in ‘but’: that of the Over v. Under dispute with regards to toilet tissue dispensing.

Studies show that a vast majority of users (roughly 70%) are reasonable and right-minded as they prefer their tissue to come over the top of the roll. If this percentage were to vote one-sidedly in a presidential primary, they would be the ones considered to have ‘stolen’ the election. The remainder, for some illogical and completely insane reason, prefer to reach behind and underneath for their squares, rapping their germ-infested knuckles along the wall where they conveniently leave their diseased putrescence for future patrons. These people are thus referred to as Continue reading →