I have noticed over that past few weeks that America is one sorry nation—so much so that we’ve inspired a Parker Brothers board game and an entire Country & Western music genre.

San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver apologized for saying he would not like a gay man in his locker room.  House Transportation and Infrastructure Chairman Bill Shuster (R-Pa.) apologized for saying that P.BO was lying in his big State of the Union shindig.  ESPN apologized because Brent Musburger had the gall to call a woman beautiful.  CNN apologized because New Year’s Eve host Kathy Griffin was…well…Kathy Griffin.

It turns out though, that being sorry is not all bad because of the significant amount of free press.  Lance Armstrong, Carnival Cruise Lines, and Epic Records have all apologized in the past couple of weeks and gotten more exposure than a nudist wandering the Sahara.  Before you know it there will be book deals, TV movies, and their own line of RegretMen Action Figures.

Given that my traffic has been down lately and seeing the fame and fortune that is available for the taking, in the interest of sparking some interest in my blog and perhaps getting some free media coverage I have decided to make my own apology.  So here goes:

I admit that during the most recent holiday season, I selfishly wished over eight different bell-ringers ‘Merry Christmas,’ a phrase many find detestable and highly offensive.  There is no excuse for my outbursts and I am truly sorry.  I had no right to assume that the $1600 the average person spent on gifts and trimmings last year was in celebration of the birth of Chirst—oops!  Can’t say ‘Christ.’  Sorry.  I forgot that the existence of certain historical figures can cause chronic angst, unless of course they are immersed in urine.

Sorry.  I just mentioned history.  Historical facts are often disagreeable to certain people groups and shouldn’t be discussed openly as being true unless they paint those people groups in a positive light.  Please forgive me.

There I go again.  I apologize.  I had no right to assume anything might be universally true.  It slipped my mind that truth can get in the way of having a good time even if such activities can be harmful to your health—things like doing drugs or smoking or photographing Alec Baldwin.

I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have brought up smoking.  Smoking is highly offensive and banned by all enlightened societies—unless it’s pot.  Pot is okay.  But smoking tobacco turns your lungs black and gives you a voice like Joe Cocker—oops!  Not black.  It turns your lungs African-American.  Sorry about that.  That’s not to say that African-Americans have black lungs or are prone to smoking, I mean to say that smoking sends all that gunk straight to your lungs and changes their color.

Uh-oh.  I beg your pardon.  I said ‘straight.’  I didn’t mean to imply that sexual orientation had anything to do with it.  I sincerely apologize if I made anyone especially cross by implying a lifestyle other than what they may prefer.

Did I say cross?  I’m so sorry.  Forgive me for referring to a religious symbol in a public forum.  Just because I happen to have a religious affiliation doesn’t give me the right to try to improve the life of anyone else by sharing my views with them.  I am very sorry.  We all know that espousing humility and love for one’s fellow man is the pinnacle of impertinence.

I did it again.  Sorry.  I used ‘man’ as a term for all humans when in fact we are not all men.  Some women are pretty sensitive about using this abusive term, so I apologize.  That is not to say that women are more sensitive than men, I’m just recognizing that women exist in addition to men, and vice versa.  Experience has taught me this first-hand, and I know better than to shoot my mouth off like that.

I already regret saying that.  I shouldn’t refer to shooting at all, let alone shooting one’s mouth off.  I am sorry.  I never intended to advocate guns, owning guns, shooting guns, Guns ‘n’ Roses, or NBA coach Stan Van Gundy.  I especially do not advocate using guns to destroy one’s oral cavity.  I sincerely apologize.  It is my position that everyone should love their mouths.  Let me be clear: Please do not shoot them off.  Instead, practice good dental hygiene in order to have a set of teeth so healthy and beautifully white that people mistake you for an Osmond.

I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to imply that white is superior to any other color or more beautiful.  Other colors are just as good as white.  Red, yellow, black, brown; I welcome teeth of all shades—just like Americans of all races and hues are coveted by our purposely pluralist society.

Sorry.  I should have said Hyphenated-Americans.  The only true Americans are Native Americans; all others should be prefixed with a hyphen.  I apologize for my insensitivity.  I am such a boob sometimes.  Only by emphasizing our differences can we come together to make America great.

Did I just say ‘boob’?  Rats!  I apologize for that and seek your forgiveness for such a graphic sexual comment.  It was not my intent to point out that some people have boobs while others do not.  Such a statement reflects my obvious bent toward sexual discrimination and unfairness.  I apologize and in the future will neither confirm nor deny the existence of boobs or any other body part on any one person, be it myself, my wife, or even my mailma—person!  My mailperson.  Sorry.