Reeding Is Instrumental

Here we are two months into this dastardly lockout and fans like myself are getting worried that the petty squabble between these two groups of whiney, overpaid crybabies will result in a cancellation of the entire season. I think I’m not alone when I entreat both sides to get back to the bargaining table and work out their differences. I mean, come on! What do they expect us to do with our winter nights, read? …earn a living? …spend them with loved ones? Pssh.

If you’re a rabid right-wing surmiser, you have already surmised what I am talking about. Die-hards like myself know that it’s just not going to be winter without the Minnesota and St. Paul Chamber Orchestras. Unfortunately, most people don’t care about the lockout because, much like the case with the NHL lockout, they find all the banging, the crashing, and exchanging of blows rather tedious—not to mention the low number of scores at each event. Continue reading

Long Live the King(s)

WARNING: This post contains graphic images of bird poo and celebrity underpants.  If you are a child or are pregnant, you may want to leave the room before reading.

With all the recent hubbub about war, pestilence, and “Death to America” you have no doubt been glued to your television sets and inundated with news of Princess Kate. I have therefore taken it upon myself to inform you that other things in the world are indeed happening that have no affect on your life whatsoever.  Thankfully there are hard-hitting news organizations like this one that feel compelled to report them anyway.

Most important to disregard is the big story out of Chicago this week — not the one about selfless, high-quality yet underpaid teachers striking against those stingy private-sector taxpayers — I’m talking about the one in which it is claimed that the image of Michael Jackson has gloriously appeared in a rather sizeable and well-aimed bird dropping. Continue reading

Your What Hurts?

There is an utterly tragic story out of Texas this week. A woman’s buttocks was (were?) severely burned during a Dallas Cowboys scrimmage game last year. The imagination runs wild when considering how this could have possibly happened, butt let me assure you: a butane lighter was not involved.

The woman’s name is Jenelle, however in order to protect her privacy and dignity we will henceforth refer to her as Hot Hynie Blister Bottom, or HHBB for short. Continue reading

Poor Sports

So I’m sitting in front of the TV the other day watching The Hobbit — I mean, The Muppet Show — I mean, the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics, and I couldn’t help but think that perhaps Salome had squandered her wish on John the Baptist when she could have saved us all some horrendous agony by asking for Matt Lauer’s tongue on a platter. Continue reading

Felines, Nothing More Than Felines

Three of my absolutely favorite things are golf, good coffee, and cats. Except cats. I don’t like cats. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that cats often exhibit the same behaviors I find disagreeable in people–things like arrogance, aloofness, and pooping in sandboxes. Continue reading