Now that I’m into my mid-forties, I am looking for ideas on what to do for my mid-life crisis that 20 years from now I can look back on and say, “Wow, was that ever a mid-life crisis!” I’m talking crazy, dangerous things like juggling flaming machetes or switching to briefs.
One idea I’ve had is to get my iPhone out and use my Sprint service to get my Facebook friends together and go to Sears to purchase a bunch of Columbia tents, then pitch them in a public park while we survive on Starbucks and Kraft Mac’n’Cheese cooked over a Coleman stove in our soggy Levi’s and Patagonia rain coats in the hopes of getting ABC, NBC or CBS to cover us as we rail against evil corporations. But somebody’s already done that.
As I mentioned last post, I think I’d like to do something stupid with my hair—specifically my hairline, which is backing up to the point where OSHA is making me install a safety signal. (Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.) I tend to be continually frustrated with the looks of my hair even though I spend upwards of $12 on it every eight weeks. I need to do something.
Transplants are something to do but can run about $20,000, which is more than even my teenagers’ grocery bill and therefore unaffordable. Besides that, I’m more than a little concerned about the area from which the hair is harvested.
A lot of guys my age are getting toupees in order to make them look vernal and virile, as opposed to paternal and viral. This is definitely an option for me because it is a known fact that toupees make one resemble an Adonis. As you remember, Adonis is the Greek god of beauty who seduced Aphrodite by walking around in public with an opossum on his head.
Toupee manufacturers often claim that a toupee looks great and blends into one’s natural hair such that it is undetectable by the casual observer. This is true assuming that the definition of ‘casual observer’ is from a focus group of Stevie Wonder and Jose Feliciano. I had a professor in graduate school who wore a toupee that was ‘undetectable’ aside from the six metal barrettes he used to keep it from sliding off his shiny noggin. I didn’t learn much in that class because I was always distracted by what might happen if he was being chased by Wile E. Coyote in a giant crane magnet.
Come to think of it, I had a hard time learning much in any of my classes…Hmmm. It’s probably their fault.
If one happens to be bald follicly challenged and wants more hair on his head, my suggestion is to choose a coonskin cap over a toupee. The coonskin cap provides excellent scalp coverage and a full head of thick, furry hair. It has been a symbol of manly ruggedness ever since Daniel Boone wore it on his show in the ’50s and has the added bonus of coming with a handsome striped ponytail feature that can be detached and tied to one’s car antenna. It also has a distinct advantage over the toupee in that in social situations, it is less noticeable.
Another option for stopping apparent hair loss is to get plugs. This is where a semi-doctor takes little clumps of hair and inserts them directly into one’s scalp. The upside is that the hair is placed directly into the head and will not blow off should you be on the East Coast this week. The downside is that your hairline looks like that of a Mrs. Beasley doll that has been in the toy box since 1974.
The least expensive option is of course, Spray Hair in a Can. This is a product that acts much like spray paint in that you spray it onto your exposed bald parts and they miraculously take on the color of the pigmented granules contained in the can. Hair in a Can is brought to you by the good people at Ronco, the same company that gave us the Pocket Fisherman and the phrase ‘O-Matic,’ so quality is not a question. Not including masking tape and drop cloths this option costs about $20. Or you can go the Rustoleum route for about $6 and have the added benefit of a variety of color schemes—not to mention the rust protection you will need should you have a death in the family during a nasty break-up while chopping onions.
What’s all the rage right now is having a hairline tattooed right onto your scalp. This is supposed to simulate the tiny hairs of a shaved head but in actuality resembles a hairline tattooed right onto your scalp. As I have an aversion to sticking needles into my head ever since I saw the voodoo-doll episode of Gilligan’s Island, I am not considering having this done. Plus, the procedure runs between $2000 and $3000. I’m thinking I could do it myself with a couple of fine-tip Sharpies for about eight bucks.
Maybe I’ll just part it on the other side.